Lochlann had been determined not to give in to a call from Alvhilde and he had succeeded in not doing so but then he failed. Not because of a call from her but because of a call from Nuada. His words had been simple and honest and his intentions clear. It had never occurred to him to refuse. Alvhilde had learned of her past and of the current situation and now she wanted his help. And he could not refuse because her request, as relayed by Nuada had nothing to do with her personally and all to do with saving the lives of innocents. He agreed to take her and her father aboard his ship to where they needed to go. He agreed to go along with Alvhildes plan. He acted cheerfully. He should have known it would not be that easy. He should have seen Nuadas full intent and he should have known better. Now it was too late. She was back aboard his ship and he knew she would come to see him soon, to talk, just the two of them.
When she came he was waiting for her in his cabin. He asked her to sit and he listened as she told him what a stupid, sorry excuse of a being he was to just leave her and Nuada like that. It never even occurred to her, Lochlann mused that he had done it for her and Nuada. She simply did not see it that way. When she was done he spoke with a low and careful voice "I had my reasons, I made my choice. I left because I wanted you and Nuada to have a chance together. With me there as well it would have been difficult for you after all that happened. You did not need me and what complications that could have meant as well as all the rest." He held up a hand as she was about to interrupt him. "I made a choice so that you would not have to make one. So that he would not have to. You were made for each other and I did not, do not want to come between you. I care about you, both of you but I don't feel for you anything close to what you feel for each other. By that I don't mean that I don't care greatly. I do. That is why I left" It was not the truth he realized with shock. He the man who could not lie had uttered untruths. How? But then this was how it had to be. And maybe he had changed more than he had cared to acknowledge. "I left for you, not to hurt you"
"Could you not have said that then? Could you not have told me the reason that you were leaving before you did?"
"No I don't think I could Alvhilde. Not then. I was ..... I did not feel like myself after all that happened. I felt many things and I had to be alone to figure it all out. There was anger in me for what you did." She was about to interrupt again but he kept speaking. "No. I know. You had little choice and you saved my life but I was still not happy with what it meant. I needed time. Now I can say thank you for saving me. I could not then. My life has changed greatly since I met you and even though I care for you like I have cared for few others I belong here on my ship on the ocean."
"You said you did not want to come between us. So you must have thought it possible that I would chose you over Nuada. And that you would choose me in turn? " Alvhilde had to know what could have been. What could still possibly be. It was not that she thought she could ever leave Nuada and the People and the world that was now hers. But there was something there in her for Lochlann. Something that she could not deny. Something that had started the first time she met him. "Would you have said no to me had I chosen you?"
"I think...." He still did not know. But he knew what the right thing would have been. For her, for everyone. "I would have had to say no."
"But what would you have wanted to say?"
"It does not matter Alvhilde because I would not say it now. I am happy to have you aboard my ship again but it is only temporary" The fact that he would have wanted to say yes scared him. And the fact that he knew he never could saddened him. He belonged at sea. She did not. Maybe once she could have but not anymore. "I am sorry I hurt you Alvhilde and I am glad to have you here but you belong there"
"You did come between us you know. You leaving like that wouldn't leave me alone and it made him so irritated that all I could do was talk about you or think about you. He kept repeating that you had made your choice and that we, I, had to accept it. I could not. Then in the end he was the one to call out to you for me. He would not come you know. I wanted us to go together but he refused saying someone had to stay and keep an eye on things. Work on different angles to solve this Giant problem. He was right of course in that someone had to. But looking back ......I think I might have lost him Lochlann. I think he might have taken my obsession with you as a choice on my part. Damn it, how could I be so blind?"
