Let Me Love You

Chapter 1

jinhwan knew something was different about him the first time he kissed a girl and didn't like it . while other boys his age were bragging or fantasizing about seeing or touching a woman's breast or would sneak in a nude magazine to discuss about it as if it was some kind of a political debate , he always felt like he was left out of the conversation when the topic didn't aroused him as much as it did to the other boys .

the first time a girl shoved her tongue into his mouth and guided his hands to her breasts , he had to pretend that he liked it or felt that he was supposed to as it would have been a perfect episode to brag about to his friends . and then they would worship him as if he was God and he would be known as one of the few guys in school who have actually touched a woman instead of masturbating about it . he was lucky that the girl didn't say anything when he politely declined her when she lead him into her skirt , or that she wasn't suspicious about the possibility of him not even liking girls .but the moment she dropped the girl on her house and they bid farewell , he felt a rush of emotions and guilt brooding inside his heart , as he dashed to a secluded place and bawled his eyes out , blaming himself for not liking things that a normal person would've loved , feeling disgusted at himself for imagining the nanosecond before her lips landed on his , oh how better it would've been if she was a boy instead .

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when he was 16 , a man was found dead inside a small alley in his neighbourhood , where he was left lying there in his own pool of blood, alone and cold in his last moments . It became a topic of the nation for quite a while . rumours had it that the man was murdered and it was ruled as a 'hate crime' when a witness told the police that the man was coming out from a gay club that just opened only a few kilometres from the crime scene when he was attacked by 4 men who stabbed him to his death . since that day , jinhwan promised to himself that his sexuality would be remained as a secret and none should know about it , not even his family.

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he wished he knew the exact moment when everything went wrong and his secret spilled out . he wished he didn't take that picture of the new boy in his neighbourhood and wrote out his feelings at the back of it .he wished he had just burned them instead of building castles in the air and hoping that the boy would understand him .

jinhwan always knew that his family would have his back even when he might become a thief or a murderer one day , at least that's what his parents used to tell him . however , he guessed that being gay was far worse crime than murder itself and no matter how hard he tried to explain , everything was ruined and he found himself homeless a week before his 17th birthday . being gay was his family's version of a death sentence.

he was lucky enough that the company found him on the street and scouted him after that . of course, he had to make a fake explanation on why he was wandering on the street for about a month before he was discovered and crossed his fingers in hopes that they wouldn't find out the truth. he was thrown into a group with two other boys who introduced themselves as kim jiwon, better known as bobby and the other one kim hanbin or B.I. and then months after that , when the three of them were getting used to one another's company , they were informed that two other boys would be joining the group and then he met him ..

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koo junhoe was the magic jinhwan needed . he was perfect in all sorts of ways jinhwan wasn't. he was confident , charming and devilishly handsome , although a bit annoying and sassy at times but that just added the whole equation to his charms . The first time he introduced himself , he literally told the group that "I am gay and open about it but don't worry none of you are my type . I only like the hot ones" . The whole group literally bursted out laughing except for jinhwan who was left speechless for a little while before joining in their laughter so as to not make them suspicious.

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he found himself crying and having a panic attack after cutting himself again for the 3rd time that week , in the bathroom at the middle of night that day when everyone was asleep , or at least he thought so. the funny thing was that he didn't even know why except for the fact that it hurts him like hell to know that there was a guy like Junhoe who was so proud of his sexuality and then there was a guy like him who was still trying to convince himself that he would one day finally fall in love with a girl or that what he was was just a phase and that it would go away soon . he didn't even realized it when he was busy hyperventilating and trying to breathe when a person came into the bathroom and called his name .

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when junhoe found jinhwan sitting on the bathroom floor with his hands covering his face with ragged breathes , a razor beside him and blood trailing down his arms , he was shook to his core . anyone's first instinct would've been to call out for help so he didn't know why he decided to immediately hug the smaller man after he saw him there . maybe it was because jinhwan seemed so helpless and smaller than he already was that he felt like he needed to protect the man .

jinhwan was trying to push him away , startled when the man hugged him out of the blue because he didn't even realize junhoe was there until he felt the warmth from the other man's body or when the man burried his chin on his hair and rocked his body back and forth. it was the first time he ever felt so safe in such a long time . the last time he remembered feeling that way was when his dad dressed up as superman on halloween when he was 10 and followed him when he was trick-o-treating around the neighborhood. and so he finally learnt to accept junhoe's embrace as he slowly wrapped his own arms around him as tight as he could as if the world was collapsing and they were falling together .

they stayed at that position for a while and finally realized how slow time was moving with junhoe constantly patting jinhwan's back in order to comfort him as no words would come out of his mouth . this was a man whom he just met about hours ago and whose identity is yet to be known to junhoe except for his name , his age and how short the other was or the fact that he was wearing a long sleeved sweater in the middle of summer when they first met and yet here he was in his embrace, something that he rarely did even with his own family and relatives .

it was also in that exact moment when jinhwan finally calmed down a little bit , that he realized how fast his heart was beating and how good the other man smelt . junhoe wouldn't lie when he told the group he wasn't attracted to any of them that he would make an exception for Jinhwan because the boy was attractive and exactly his type . and so he found himself unable to retreat his action when he started leaving light kisses on the other's temple or when he slowly loosened his embrace to lift up the other's chin and saw those red , glistening eyes which reflected so much pain and slowly leaned in to capture the other's lips.

jinhwan didn't know why he didn't pull away . junhoe was a man and he was a man and this was wrong , so wrong . they shouldn't be doing this , a man should never kiss another man , especially not him . he would never . however, he couldn't lie that when junhoe lifted up his chin and their eyes met for a while , the only thing he wanted to do was to scream out for help and love and he didn't know if junhoe saw that in his eyes , but when their lips met , jinhwan felt like he was on a totally different world and that he would do anything to stay in that moment because it felt so wrong yet so right and if you could describe paradise and hell together , this was jinhwan's . and so he wrapped his arms around junhoe's neck and pulled the boy closer , deepening the kiss as the other's hands fall down to the walls on both his sides to support his weight and they kissed and kissed and kissed..