Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock.. went the melodic stainless steel clock placed centre on the cool, grey, unwelcoming wall.
"What is it like to feel happy?" I whispered staring opposite me at the clock.
"I'm sorry...?" the psychiatrist asked with a concerned look in her friendly brown eyes.
"What is it like to feel happy? "
"I....I....I don't understand what you mean. It's ni-"
"Is it easier?" I interrupted looking down at her quickly. "Are you able to be alone with your thoughts without them overwhelming you to a point of being afraid of yourself?
Do you see the world through a positive view?
Is there hope in your life?
Do you feel purpose?"
"I don't really know how to explain it to you.." she whispered.
"I bet it's lovely." I continued, staring in her direction but not actually focusing, too wrapped up in my thoughts. "To be able to look at life as something good, something worth living, not just an endless torture. To be able to smile, a genuine smile, with genuine emotion, not just a fake smile used to cover up the emptiness within."
I laughed quietly to myself shaking my head slightly, "Who am I kidding? I don't deserve happiness, I never will."
My psychiatrist stayed quiet, studying me carefully from over her glasses. "I think you need to speak to someone more equipped...someone a bit more understanding."
I smirked at her and smiled, "Okay, I understand." Getting up to leave I turned to Dr.Lee and smiled timidly, "thank you for listening.."
"It's my pleasure, sorry I couldn't be of better help. Stay strong Jade."
I closed the door softly behind me as I entered the hell hole that is my world.
Closing the door on the unfriendly yet welcoming sacntity and opening the door on grim reality, I left the psychiatrist's office.
The outside corridor was as bleak and medically sterile as the psychiatrist's room from which I just exited. The rows of dull, grey, lifeless chairs lining the wall occupied by persons society had swiftly and ignorantly declared insane. These people forgotten by the world except for that one hour a week inwhich they met their shrink.
I could feel gazes fall on my imposing figure. Trying to remain unnerved I continued walking, watching the people out of my peripheral vision. This building really was a pic n' mix of mental illness. The neurotic, psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar, and the anxious.
There was one girl in particular that caught my eye. Wild brunette hair splaying out in all directions, skin as white as the fairest white rose, belonging to a small, delicate, malnourished frame. She sat on the seat at the end of row on the right side. Her knees pulled up to her chest, staring at the ground.
I didn't pause, I made my way to the secretary's desk and explained how Dr.Lee was referring me to a new psychiatrist. "Hold on a minute dear, take a seat as I sort out the paperwork." Nodding my thanks I sat in the seat opposite the girl.
From here I could get a closer look of her. Her lifeless grey eyes were hollowed back into her dark circled sockets. Staring but unfocused. She moved her arm tighter around her knees and as the sleeve of her largely oversized hoody fell down I saw her arm. The bright red lines of her cuts a sharp and upsetting contrast to her snow white skin. A closer look allowed me to see the words "fat", "ugly", "worhless" carved into her arm multiple times.
I wanted nothing more than to grab the unknown girl in a huge hug and tell her just how beautiful she was and how she didn't need to do this to herself but I was too afraid to. Her brittle frame looked like it would shatter if I layed a finger on her.
"Ms. Greene" the secretary piped up pulling me out of my thoughts, "Here's your appointment details and a letter from your new psychiatrist, a welcome note sort of" she smiled.
"Thank you" I whispered and returning her smile timidly I turned, I gave a nervous smile and half wave to the girl who tried and failed to smile back. Holding back tears I swiftly made my escape down the stairs into the outside world.
