Me, Myself, and I

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My mind hasn't worked right

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My mind hasn't worked right. Not as long as I can remember. It started tiny, the things I noticed first: A deposed thought about my height or my weight. A silent critique about my usefulness. Then came what I call, "the scissor moments." During a day I ask myself "would this moment be better without me?" and I'll cut myself out of it like a paper doll to see if it improves.

I'm broken. There are two things you can't fix: stupid and broken.

And I'm not THAT stupid.

My parents were the stick to measure. Watching them, I understood my mind ticked different, because, most people liked who they were! Most people weren't aimless. Most people didn't want to cut themselves out of a day and watch it close up on itself like they were never there. My dad, he had a purpose. He was a hero. I tried to be near him to soak in just a little. My mom—she saw the world with herself in it. Right at the center. People invited her places because every room needed an axis revolve.

I have no axis.

Headlights skated on a glass road wet from the rain. When I left the party that night, I couldn't feel my fingertips. I couldn't feel at all. But whatever the alcohol or the drugs had hidden from me, I still knew I was different. My car glanced a deer. A flash of white and a pop—a headlight exploded.

I slid to a stop.

There was someone in the front seat with me. She looked like me, and I wanted me dead. The only time I could escape myself was at the movies. In the dark. With a reality on-screen that didn't have me in it.

I don't remember what happened that night Busy died.

But I tried to kill myself.

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