what if?

2| late night thoughts

After hours of missing Riley and the Matthews family, I decided that crying would get me nowhere. After careful consideration, I decided to go out. My mom was working a late shift and Shawn was busy doing whatever he does. I didn't really feel like talking to Farkle or Lucas, they probably were hurting just the same.

Despite the warm summer nights that there have been, I still put on my black coat which gave me a sense of security.

This was the same coat I wore on New Years Eve.

The same day Farkle exposed Riley's feelings toward Lucas.

I felt disgusted that night... at myself.

I knew in that moment that me liking Lucas was not an option. I didn't want to be known as the girl who liked her best friends ex-boyfriend. Or whatever he was to her.

The whole identity crisis wasn't completely wrong. I did lose myself for a while, but my feelings for Lucas were still there even after I became Maya again.

But I could never hurt Riley.

I didn't want to get hurt either.

As selfish as that is, I knew deep down Lucas would pick Riley, it's always going to be Riley. And in attempt to protect Riley and mines hearts, I let Lucas go. To be with Riley. It was better that way.

I was lost in my thoughts and before I knew it I was in front of Riley's apartment building. I was so used to this route that I managed to get here without any intention to.

I wanted to call Riley, but she must be busy at the moment and I didn't want to bother her. She will call me when she has the time.

I continued to walk down the New York City streets, alone. Although it is extremely dangerous for a young girl as myself to be wandering the dirty streets of NYC by myself, I wasn't sacred. I was used to being alone anyways.

Ten minutes passed when a tall figure began to come into view.

It kept getting closer and closer in my direction. Without thinking I turned around the way I had came and began to 'sprint walk' as quickly as possible.

There were many people around, it was only 10 o'clock after all, so this tall man couldn't possibly try to do anything.
Right?

I felt a rough hand grab my shoulder and turn me around. In instinct I swerved around and punched the man before me as hard as I possibly could. My small, weak hands could be nothing compared to the muscular figure in front, but it actually worked and seemed to take the man by surprise.

Once I got a clear image of his face I gasped in shock and worry.

"Lucas!"
"Ow," was all he managed to get out as he still caressed his nose. "I'm so sorry Lucas, I thought you were some creep or something."

He chuckled in response at the word 'creep'. "Well I can assure you I'm not some 'creep'," he said while using quotation marks with his two hands. I smiled back, "Ha, don't be too sure about that huckleberry."

"What are you even doing out here by yourself," he asked with slight concern in his tone of voice. "I could ask you the same thing."

He smiled at my sassy remark, he always seemed to enjoy my sassiness and spunk. More than he should.

A few silent moments passed as the two of us walked down the street.

Lucas and I stopped 'being friends' ever since I told him to choose Riley.

A small part of me hoped that Lucas would've picked me if I hadn't interfered, but I knew that he would've chose Riley, with or without my approval.

He was now Riley's boyfriend or 'ex-boyfriend'. And I couldn't interfere with their relationship, despite my hidden feelings.

Why was it so awkward now? I mean why can't we just be friends? Was it that impossible for us? Questions flooded my mind and I didn't know how to talk to Lucas anymore.

"Do you miss her," I finally said to break the awkward silence and tension between us.

"Of course I miss her. She was my first girlfriend, how can I not," he said with a half smile on his face.

I know deep down that Lucas cares for Riley, but as much as I hated to admit it to myself , I also knew that Lucas cared deep down for me too. And it made me feel like the worst person alive.

"Maya why is this awkward now?" Lucas finally stuttered out.

"What do you mean," I lied. "I mean we used to be able to talk and call each other names," Lucas said.

"Lucas I gue-."

"See! You just called me Lucas."

"So?"

"So, that means we aren't friends like we were before."

"Well of course it's going to be awkward Lucas! We had a fucking love triangle for like six months straight," I suddenly lashed out.

He stayed quiet for a moment and looked down at his feet.

"I'm sorry Maya." Was all he managed to say.

"Don't be, I'm over it." I wasn't.

We reached my apartment building at last and the two of us just stood there awkwardly together.

"Goodnight Huckleberry."

"Maya w-."

"Don't. Please Lucas, you'll make it worse. Goodnight."

I saw Lucas with hurt eyes as I closed the door in his face. I felt like I should've said something more to him. But I couldn't tell him my hidden feelings for him. I just couldn't.