ANXIOUS THOUGHTS :3 Random Shit

DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY I'M FINE OK

You know sometimes I think crazy ass stuff I get into such deep thought that I forget where I am and I forget everything and everyone I forget my name is only think of the thought and when those crazy ass thought turn crazier I get stuck in a thinking mode to where I eventually fall asleep and dream about it then sometimes my thought go sad or go dirty or go happy and they affect my moods so much if I hear something negative things my mom said towards me I cry because I start thinking about what I'm gonna do once she dies cuz she's my motivation for life she gives me a reason to be here then when my whole family is mad at me I go to my room and have panicked attacks and cry because I just hate feeling discarded when I was young my sisters used to push me in the garage and leave me there till my mom came home they'd throw me in the darkness all I could see was a little of light shining through a hole my sisters hated me I only had my mom nobody really loved me growing up except my mom I never had a dad that's what made me psychotic I can't feel anymore for others only for my mother I can't feel regret or sadness I can only feel madness or when I'm pissed off because that's the only emotion I never felt that I was never taught how to use. Once I saw my mom get slapped by my ex step-dad and I cried for the rest of the year I was like 5 .. I was also forced to sleep with my sisters and sometimes they'd lock me out of the room and I'd sit there in the hallway or I'd go to the kitchen and stare outside. Then I would show my self how to cook Ramen on the stove and this was all while I was about 7 then my two older sisters ran away with my nephew that they gave to my mom I considered him to be my brother and once they took him away my mom almost died from a heart attack and I witnessed it and I cried day after day. Then I found out that kim would've went with them but she was too young now kim says she wants to leave and she says I love you but I never believed it that's why I'm so closed from my family I can't talk to my mom about stuff because she'll be disappointed in me again and then I cry about my grandma dying before I was born she never knew I existed she knew my sisters existed but never me then my aunts and uncles love my sisters because my mom told them to take care of them and they were there for all their births except mine because I was born in New Jersey now all my family ignores me when we go to parties even my cousins don't play with me so I just sit next to my mom I sit and wait my mom says go have fun as I shake my head no because they don't like me they'd probably hit me or bully me or just flat out ignore me .. when I was young I played with my toys and when I asked anyone to play with me they'd say no go away so I sat in the kitchen all alone in the dark as I played with my dolls crying there was one point in time when I told my mom everything but then kim went emo and she wanted to run away when I was 10 she wanted room leave SHE EVEN PACKED HER STUFF my mom yelled at her as I stood there in fear I never told my mom everything again I only tell her what she needs to know then my 10th birthday party I I just sat on a chair in a ranch that didn't even belong to us with mariachi playing and cake in front of me I put a smile on as I feared that they would laugh at me I sat there in fear I was wearing a dress and I looked like what my mom wanted after I blew my candles I ate then I went to the car layer down in the backseat and fell asleep rather than partying and having to deal with drunk people.. earlier that year I had met my biological dad so he said he would come to the party and bring me a present he never showed up and I didn't hear from him again.. later on in found out the reason he left he had already had two kids with another woman he had married she hated me too he left because he needed them more than me so my mom left for new jersey to have me away from all the drama when I was born i was fine but a year later I had caught a severe cold then diagnosed as terberculoses and I had gotten so sick to the point they had to put me in a safe room with no people my mom took me to a church for a while and prayed I had died for a mear second and then revived my mom says it's a miracle I later got better and by the time I was 2 we went back to Texas... my mom always took care of me my mom is the only one I trust and this story barely tells anything. Myself I have gone through life numb and senseless I can't feel for other I am psychotic and I have anxiety and depression yet I meet people and they say I'm energetic and seem happy ... they don't know anything about me they don't even care if I told them so I stay quiet about my past and how I really feel ... to some lucky people I may love them if I have a strong enough trust but others mearly know about the specks of my life well ik you may not know me but if you ever meet me don't say anything don't know me I like being closed I hate people knowing stuff about me . For you I'm just a simple happy person with a simple happy family

DO NOT ASK IF I'M OKAY I'M FINE OK I'M JUST TEMPORARILY DEPRESSED THIS IS A "FAKE" IDEA OF A STORY YEAH IT'S DEFINITELY THAT SO HAVE A GOOD DAY HONEY BUNNY'S

DON'T QUESTION MY GRAMMAR EITHER IT WAS JUST A QUICK IDEAS