ANXIOUS THOUGHTS :3 Random Shit

senpaiiii

So dudesss there's this guy. His name is alexander. He is special to me, kind of. He is my senpai. I have so many things to say about him. When i think of him I become depressed tho. He, he ... is confusing. My mind makes him confusing. Ok so heres the story.

The first day of school I saw him. I thought that i would like him because he seemed cute. :) I ignored that thought until the 2nd semester. But before he would tease me and call me names during 5th. I didnt even know him yet he would just make fun of me, but it was ok because it was playful. Well later on in the same class we sat next to each other we would still talk and make fun of each other. Then I moved to hang out with my friends. Then after winter break i came to realize i had feelings. I told my friend immediately but i wasnt shy around him. These people in 1st would say i like him and that hes my lover. I gof embarrassed and i denied everything. I stopped talking to those people, too. Then one day when we were stuck in 2nd all day i told my friend Natalie to tell him i liked him. He said "I dont know her that much". Of course my heart broke. I didnt cry at school, but i was depressed. Im ok now. But yesterday I had this NJHS ceremony and the band was playing.I was all fancy with a dress and shit. HE WAS IN BAND. MY FRIENDS TOLD ME HE WAS LOOKING AT ME. I doubt that tho. Well ever since that time i realized i like him ive felt confused about my feelings. Like ik i have feelings but what feelings???

My friend angelica asked me a few days ago what i like about him. I said i love the way he smirks. The way he laughs. The way he shakes his leg. The way he bites his lips when nervous. His awkwardness. His hair. His eyes. His glasses. The way he taps on the desk with his pen. The way he cant stay still. His stance. His energy. The way he moves. The way he puts his his hand in his sleeve. When he leans back. When he talks. When he speaks spanish. I love the way his hair used to look. The way he doesnt look like every other boy in that school. The way his clothes fit him perfectly. The way he just goes on his phone when alone. The way he smiles when with his friends. The way he looks when confused. The way he acts around people. Everything. 

Hes a beautiful person and I became so interested in him. I wish I could tell him all this. But he wouldnt accept me, im ugly and weird. He makes me nervous, loud, shy, and clumsy. I cant stay quiet when I crave his attention. Just once more i wish i could have his attention. Galaxy-Frnkie you know how i get when im neat him. I regret so much. He made my anxiety worse.

Btw Im asexual and demiromantic so dont say i get turned on. And he is special and i was really close to him .