Love is a Poison

LiaP - Chapter 4 "Feelings"

I'm always watching even though it hurts. The love and hate collides as I watch from afar.

I know I'm a fool, an idiot who will love you even though you love another.

Do you know about love triangle? I hope it's like our situation now, a situation where I have a chance with you. A chance to compete with him.

I’ve found something to gives you space, keeps you safe, makes you sane but you found someone to take my place.

I just wondered. Who is he? How can he be the one you want? The one who stole my world. It was like a slap on the face, when you replaced me. So fast that I can't find time to dodge it, and so strong that is hurts so badly.

***

I went to school every day, alone. Every day is so lonely. Back then, you would invite me to eat at the rooftop. Now, it wasn’t likely to happen.

I was happy enough to talk with you even a minute. But the loneliness filled the last hours. It feels like years without you.

Those days as I watch you bury me so deep. So deep that it cripple my heart, and hardly breathe. Six feet under was likely to be.

Every day was like that. Every day is so painful, and it seems normal now. Until one day, on the school at my locker, I saw a letter.

I just wonder what it would be.

What is this?... A letter? With a heart. No way, a love letter?

I opened the letter. The words and phrases were all meant to me. Every sentence made to compliment me. And yes, this letter was indeed a love letter. There is no name written who made the letter. Only that it said that she would like to meet on the back of the school, on the promise tree.

I thought for a moment, I don’t want this.

On the classroom, I thought I should show this letter to you, hoping it would make you to force me not to meet her.

“Nia. I received a letter.” While I showed the letter to her, she takes the letter.

“’What is this? A recommendation letter?”

“No!  Is there a recommendation letter with a heart on the front?”

She stood up and yell. “No way! A love letter?!!”

It was so embarrassing, all of my classmate heard it and made a fuss.

“What is it? A love letter?” Miki asked.

“No way! Rei received a love letter?” Ron took the letter.

“Why you! You were the first to receive a love letter. You need to die!!!” He put his arms around my neck and locked me down.

Actually, it doesn’t make me happy. I turned my sight to Nia. She just smiled as if she says 'go for it'. It hurts.

***

 After school, I planned not to go to the meeting place. But Ron insisted that I should go, and some of the guys wanted to see the girl who’ll confess to me.

Why should I meet her? They were the one who’ll take pleasure on seeing me like this. I would never love any girl.

“The only girl I’m in love is Nia, no one else.”

Yes, they all knew that I love Nia.

“But Nia have a boyfriend and he’s pretty popular to the girls. Can you compete with that guy?”

I look at the ground, frustrated. I didn’t even know what I’m thinking.

“I know! I know I’m not cool. I know I will never beat a guy like Shin. But what can I do? I’m truly deeply madly in love with her!”

“Wew! Crazy in love? You’re so intense, Rei.”

“Yeah, we all know. But will she be able to be happy if you are always under her nose?”

I can’t argue with that. I don’t have the right to control every movement she makes. I’m just her friend, a childhood friend nothing more.

I think I have no choice. I’ll meet my admirer.

That said, I went to the promise tree. And unexpectedly, a girl is waiting.

All of the guys were astonished. The girl was Kate, the most popular girl in the school. This year and last year’s Miss Yakumo and the girl who ranked 1st at the most wanted girlfriend in school.

This girl is confessing her love to me? This must be some kind of mistake.

At the shed near the bench, I saw Nia. She smiled and made an A-ok sign.

I understand Nia, while looking down on the ground.

“Is something wrong Rei?” Kate asked.

“Uhmm… nothing particularly. And what we will talk about?”

“Rei, I suppose you read the letter. And it was all true, that I like you. And if possible, would you like to go out with me?”

Without further ado, I answered. “Yes!”

And Kate became my first girlfriend.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. But with those thoughts, we are made to become bright and complete.

Initially, I thought of Kate as my last refuge. But along the lines, I think I’ll fall for her.

Each man is the architect of his own fate. And I wonder, Is this really my own fate? Is this really the work of destiny?

I’m not strong, emotionally, mentally and physically. Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny.

But I don’t know if fate really exists. But I know one fact about fate, fate is a misconception, it's only a cover-up for the fact you don't have control over your own life.

Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.

I wonder, who owns my feelings. Is it Nia or Kate? The beautiful dream or the sweet serendipity?