He loves me I guess. I wasn't expecting it. I'd actually thought we'd only ever talk and be just friends, but one day I accidentally slipped and said, "I love you." He told me he'd been trying to find a way to tell me the same thing. We'd started dating a month or so after that. August 30th, 2016. Almost 7 months later, here I am. I've lost my virginity. Not that you really wanted to know that. Sorry. Anyway, I've been going through this weird rough patch of depression, and I keep pushing him away, I think. I don't really know what's going on, but I keep making him upset because I feel worthless, and I express that to him, but he doesn't get it. He thinks I'm the moon, the stars, the sun, the planets, the entire Galaxy, but I only see a tiny, little, helpless girl, who has been thrown through the gutter and left out to dry on some ghetto street corner. Now, that's obviously not the truth, but I have been abused mentally and physically by men I looked up too as a child, and in a way, I still do look up to them. My father curses at me and makes me feel worthless, by telling me I'm gaining too much weight or I'm losing too much weight or that I can't do this right or I can't do that right, so really no matter what I do it'll never be good enough for him. You know, he rarely comes to my school functions. After work he just sits on his ass and makes me and my mother clean and cook and wait on him, whatever he needs done. Yeah, real great father. My brother on the other hand, well, he molested me when I was roughly 8, he was about 10. My parents forced me through therapy and questions and so much other shit that a 9 year old shouldn't have to go through. My ex-boyfriend, Robert, a real sweetheart. Not. He told me he loved me. I was in seventh grade, he was in eighth. I believed him. I wanted so badly for someone to love me, but he didn't. He liked to play around and put me in choke holds. After a while he'd like to take his hand and put it over my throat. He did it once after we broke up and I told my best friend and he set the kid straight. I don't think Robert will touch a woman like that again. Then I met Gabe, my boyfriend, but after two months of dating I cheated on him. I made out with a stupid football jock. I fucking regret it so much. I have nightmares about that boy raping me and wanting to kill me now. Every guy I talked to or thought likes me didn't really. They either abused me or used me. Many just wanted nudes, but not Gabe. He's different. He makes me feel loved and makes me feel amazing. I've never loved myself until he came and showed me how. I see him as my Galaxy full of stars, the moon, the sun, and the planets combined. He is my world. He lives me and I love him. I wouldn't do anything to ruin that again. Never, ever again. I love him too much to lose him.
Well, hi. Sorry for such a long first "chapter", I just kind of went crazy, and you probably know what more about me than you wish to. I'm sorry about that. Also, any names used are real; they are the names of the actual people, which is why I will not be using last names. :)
