What Could Have Been

What Could Have Been

I have so many regrets, and I have no one to blame for it but myself. I knew there was no other way for this to end, but I still fell for it. Again and again. Time after time.

                                                                        I

                                                                   Never

                                                                   Learn

I thought I was being a good friend, bringing my friend happiness. And I guess I did, but at the price of my own.

Maybe some sick part of me planned this from the start, just like every time I think maybe I can hope, trust, be happy. Some sick part of me wants me to be happy for just the tiniest moment so it can smash me to pieces all over again and again. Time after time.

Maybe it's because I don't learn and that part of me keeps punishing me for hoping, wishing, daring to believe. I told him from the start it wouldn't work out. But who was I trying to convince?

Him or me?

I don't know what I regret more. Ever meeting him and letting him into my life, ever putting so much of my happiness in him. Or maybe it would have all worked out if I had never introduce them.

But I will never know.

No longer am I going to fight for something that's already gone, it hurts too much. And I'm dying inside knowing that I wasn't enough and that I never will be to him.

I can't change the past no matter how badly I wish I could. And I am going to have to live with the pain of my mistakes for the rest of my life always wondering what could have been and always regretting the choices I made.

Maybe I will eventually learn.

But who am I kidding, I'm a masochist.

I'll never learn.