She was toxic, her harsh words and daring actions coursing through my veins like poison, and although I hated it, I always went back for more. I wished I had ended our friendship when I had the chance, I would have saved myself the unexpected heart break. I couldn't, I was scared it would hurt her, even though she was secretly hurting me. Not physically, she was in no way abusive; but the constant tear down, snide remarks and flowing toxicity was emotionally draining. We went from wanting a shared apartment and matching cars to our photos only being photos, nothing more. A Polaroid of us was and still is stuck on my mirror, I feel no urge to take it down and the memory no longer brings me to tears. Cutting the ties to our friendship sooner may have saved me the explosion, she was a hand grenade and tragically I was in the impact zone.
It was if my life blew up, my best friend of 3 years morphed into my enemy of 3 minutes and I've never hated myself more. Her claims I was controlling and disloyal still press on my heart when someone jokes with me and fake insults me; they always tell you to 'forgive and forget' but is there actually such thing as forgetting? You never truly forget words which were used to describe you in a negative way, it's human to focus on the negative and that's exactly what I did. So if I could go back and change it, I would have broken it off when I still had a pieced together heart. I'm not saying if I ended it, it would have felt any better, but at least id know, it wouldn't be thrown upon me like a surprise birthday party.
She broke it off, late one night, staring at my phone my eyes pricked with tears. What hurt me the most was how sudden and careless it was; a string of snapchat messages leaving you wonder why you even care? I poured my entire heart and everything I had into a friendship that lasted so long yet disappeared into thin air with an ending message saying "Have a fucking fantastic life". I so badly wanted to, so badly wanted to scream through the phone that I would, but it's hard to scream something with such confidence when you don't believe it yourself. She was a hurricane and I was a wild flower, springing up at the sight of happiness before being crushed and flooded by her.
I wish I could change it, go back and tell myself I wouldn't be lost and broken forever. Tell myself that the comments of one person don't define who you are, they do not have the right to decide whether you are a good person or not. I wish I knew that a few months ago, that in the words of Selena Gomez, if you are broken you do not have to stay broken.
