Affliction

Chapter One

         It always began in silence. A pregnant silence that spoke louder than any words someone could say. Every second of that silence was tainted, dark. All those words that people wouldnt say, all the things they thought. That silence was weighed with it. Those words, they werent hidden. It was in their eyes, on the edge of their lips and printed across their blank faces.

         No one ever wanted to speak a single one of those words. How could you tell a person that to you they were worthless? Completely unwanted? Especially a person so fragile and damaged as I was. No those words had to be sweetened and poisoned. To lessen the blow.

That was the ugly truth about people. They couldnt care enough to want you. Couldnt be bothered with broken desperate things. But when it came time to tell that broken and desperate thing the truth they cared enough to water down the truth. It was okay after all to add your own crack in my glass, to rip another scar through the tender tissues of my heart. But heaven forbid you should damage me enough that I would break entirely. Its much better to leave broken things like me bleeding and in pain.

All those sweetened words. They only added to the blow. Only cracked the glass further, shredded my heart even more. Despite all their so called good intentions it only hurt more. I was a broken, desperate thing but not stupid. I could read those damned silences. Could hear the words none of them could speak.

"Celeste?" My social workers smile was painted red and plastered across her features. There was nothing sincere about that smile. Nothing warming or comforting. "Do you understand why were having this meeting?" I shook my head, my throat clogged, my heart quickening like a butterflys wing. I knew. Of course I fucking knew.

"No." The word was acid on my tongue. Forced out of my throat until it felt like I was choking on it. I wanted to scream the truth. I wanted to cry. Because it already fucking hurt. Im here because they dont want me. Because Im a worthless piece of shit no one can bother with. The words were on the tip of my tongue, so close to falling out of my mouth. But I couldnt. I had a part to play in all this. Had to pretend like I didnt understand. I couldnt take anymore half assed reassurances, anymore fucking painted lies. A sweetened truth was always so much better than a lie.

"Well Celeste, Penny and Carlyle and I have decided that placement isnt quite the right fit." My social workers voice was calm and mechanical. Practiced and cool. My social worker knew this speech well. A speech meant to water down the truth. Penny and Carlyle didnt want me anymore. But it sounds better if Im told that the placement isnt the right fit. It was all such fucking bullshit. All of it. I knew the truth.

"We just feel that you would flourish in a different kind of placement." Penny interjects with a half smile. Like her words didnt rip my heart open. I wasnt even a person to them. Just a fucking number in a system. Numbers couldnt feel. Numbers couldnt hurt. It didnt matter how human I felt. I was just a fucking number to them.

How many times had I heard that before? A different kind of placement. How many different placements could they possibly put me through before they could just tell me the truth? That it didnt matter how many homes they put me in, how many loving foster parents they introduced me to, none of them would ever want me.

"Just know that we enjoyed the time we spent with us and youre always welcome back!" Carlyle adds. My fingers twitched and my blood boiled. Time? What time? Neither of them had spent a fucking moment with me. Three months and neither of them probably knew a damn thing about me. Their time was spent at golf club parties, enjoying wine and ignoring I existed. I was just their good deed after all. Penny and Carlyle, such caring and loving people who took it upon themselves to take in the poor orphan foster girl. What a fucking joke.