I stared across the room. My gaze as thirsty as a dried riverbed. I was caught. The stone. The stone father forbade us touch. I held it. And not only that. It showed me things about who I truly was. It made sense of my craving for mischief, my loniness. God how I wanted to not believe it. That I was destined to cause only war against those I called family.
Thor stood there. Looking at me. Across the room. He knew. He saw. That I was the spy who'd let Frostgiants in. Who'd betrayed my family. I was almost glad. That he finally looked at me with that empty fear. It was worlds better than knowing that every soft smile he sent my way was because he was deceived into believing I was good.
"Thor-" my voice shattered.
Cold washed over me at my brother's broken gaze. He approached me slowly and I could hear every footstep so loudly.
"Thor it's not what you think." Of course it was. Every bit of it. But he didn't care that Frostgiants were coming and neither did I.
He only saw my betrayal and all I saw was his misplaced faith in me melting before my eyes.
"Loki-" if it's possible his voice was hurt more then mine. But how could it be! I was the one loosing everything. He had father, mother, Asguard, me even. I still cared for him though I'd never say so. I had nothing.
My walls crumbled around me. My floor shattered and I felt myself falling towards abyss.
I looked in Thor's eyes and he took my arm. I wretched away taking a step back.
"I'm not who you think I am."
"No." he muttered "You're not."
"I'm sorry..." I stuttered.
He only watched me. God why didn't he kill me or hug me or yell into face or curse damn it!
"Aren't you going to tell father?"
He didn't answer. His heart heart was falling away from me.
I stepped forward and yelled in his face. "I am the one who told betrayed you, I've lied to you my whole life! I'm an enemy of Ausgard and I don't care what happens to it! You think this is my home! You're wrong! It's only been hell for me since your father stole me and set me here! Can I help what I am! I can't! And you stare at me day after day loving me like I'm something I'm not! Well I can't take it any more Thor! I'm not that man! I'm not that prince!"
And the black hole in my soul was more than I could imagine. Knowing Thor knew. And he hated what I was. Worse then I ever thought he could. My eyes wet and I gulped.
I licked my lips. "I thought. Maybe. The time we spent together was real. I dared believe that you really could ever really love a beast with a heart of ice..."
"I did..."
"THAT WASNT ME!"
He pitied but also feared me and worse...he finally knew me and he didn't love me any longer. And I didn't blame him. But my chest burned like flames, my eyes dripping, voice trembling with rage.
"And now you see me and I scare you. I scare the hell out of you and I'm not sorry..." But that was a lie. "Fathers gone. Mothers gone. And now you see me...oh you see me...."
I melted into my Joten form and my tears froze on my face as I laughed bitterly.
"I wanted to be you, but I'm not."
I gulped again.
Thor watched me.
"No you're not."
That's all he said as my Joten form hardened and ice formed on the floor beneath me. He backed away. He wouldn't let the ice touch him.
His eyes. His eyes left me. No one to hold. Nothing to breath but darkness and the light of a stollen home and illusions of peace.
"And you stand there staring at me like you wish I were something else...and you do don't you. Well so do I......"
He said nothing. I wanted to say nothing. I wanted to crush him. I wanted to not care what my brother thought of me. I wanted to stand tall and laugh but when I tried more tears tried to spill. My eyes asked for so much. I wanted him. He didn't. Our eyes wrestled for so long. My breath quickened. He held me in his gaze. I meant to look away every moment. Instead I searched hopelessly for a speck of care something to support the illusion I'd created that he cared. The more I was assured that all I would find was a black hole of loss in my once dear brother's eyes the longer I looked because if I had to hurt then I was going to hurt all the way. If I was going to break then I was going to shatter.
He didn't. He wasn't. He was gone. I wasn't his brother any longer... But he was mine and why??? I cursed my aching heart as I saw the brother I knew I'd never stop loving stop loving me.
I nodded to him. It was his right to stop caring.
Soldiers flooded the room. I looked into his eyes with emptiness.
He saw my hands turn on the stone. The stone take me to the dangerous ice planet to a race that would never pretend to care for me.
"LOKI!"
He jumped forward.
"Thor."
I turned the handles, appearing in the middle of an ice storm. The Joten would kill me as a traitor when I gave myself up.
Only angels can rest in Asguard but when you're neither angel nor demon there's no place between hel and heaven to sleep.
