#yugmark
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The way you smile makes me feel so elated. Wishing instead that I could be the cause, but I'm not. And it breaks me, because I know you'll never look at me. So I'll just watch from afar.
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The way you smile blinds me, so captivating and beautiful yet so pitiful. And here I am wishing that I was the cause of your smile. But I'm not. Because somebody else is. Your smiles are only directed towards him, never to me. Foolish of me to think that they would be.
You don't know me. And probably never will.
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Entry 1:
Somehow I always find myself searching for you. I don't remember when it started, it just gradually started happening. And now I can't seem to stop myself. But I think its because your so captivating in my eyes.
Entry 2:
Why do you always follow him? Why do you look at him with such fascination in your eyes? Why do you still love him even through all the pain you've been through because of him? Why do you still believe that he still loves you? Why do you lie to yourself?
Entry 3:
I saw you rush to the bathroom. Tears in your eyes, cascading down your face like a rushing waterfall. And it broke my heart to see you cry. I wanted to rush to you, to try and comfort you. But how can I possibly when you don't even know me.
Later on I found out the reason for your tears. It was because of him again. It always was, he was always the cause for your tears and for your pain. Why do you never leave him? I wish you would look at me like you look at him. But that is just a blatant lie.
Entry 4:
The next time I saw you, you weren't the same anymore. Broken. Thats what it looked like. Its almost like you had come to a realization of some sort. It was then that you had finally decided to leave him. But it was also then when you stopped smiling, stopped laughing, stopped being happy. And it broke me even more.
Entry 5:
It was, somehow, like a miracle. Or maybe it was just a one time thing. Maybe I'm misinterpreting it all. I probably am. But it was the first time that I was noticed by you. But then again, I'm probably just over thinking it all. It was just a one time thing. An accident. Nothing more nothing less, just a whispering breath.
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"Your so beautiful. Did you know that your smiles are beautiful, like an angel, pure perfection. Do you know that?"
"What?"
"Oh. You heard that?"
"Um..."
"I'm sorry."
It slipped. And I didn't think that you would end up hearing what I said.
So I tried to avoid you, but I always find myself going back to you. But only from afar.
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Entry 6:
Everyday you still look so down. Oh how much I wish to be by your side. To comfort you, to make you laugh, to make you smile, for you to be happy again.
But I'm too shy to tell you how I feel. Because I'm afraid if I ask you, "what do you think of me?" Your reply will be "I don't."
Because I'm afraid of ruining everything that I've built up. Because I'm a coward.
Entry 7:
Today, you seem to be a little bit happier and cheerful. Or is it just a lie to hide everything? Yet everybody else seems to believe you, never asking questions. But here I am wondering if you truly are ok. That maybe your just putting up a front so they don't see you break down. It hurts me.
Entry 8:
I've always wondered how things would be if me and you were friends. If we had a connection or relationship of some sorts. How different would things be? Would you be a little more happy than you are now?
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I broke down. I was so focused on you that I forgot about myself and my own problems. It all just came crashing down on me one day. I tried to stay strong, but how can I be strong when I never really was, when I don't know how to be strong. Because I always brushed them off, never facing them directly.
Coward.
If you knew me, would you think I had it all? Would you think that I was a normal person? Somebody who had their life together? But I never had. Not even once in my lifetime.
But what kept me, or rather pushed me, to be strong was your smile. It was you, always.
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It's been 3 years since the last time I saw you, walking up to the platform to receive your high school diploma. I never thought I would see you again. I never thought we would end up going to the same college. And yet here I am. Staring at you, you who is smiling once again, and suddenly I'm falling in love all over again, with you and your smile.
"Um...sir, your order?"
"Even after these 3 years your smile is still beautiful. Did you know that?"
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I'll still watch and love you from afar. Because I'm drawn to you and your smile.
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[ ending ]
Somehow the way he talks about me as if I'm worth something is...comforting. And yet, I don't know what to make of it. He talks as if I'm his world, as if I'm not broken, as if I'm not weak, as if I'm still okay and not destroyed. His emotions in his words, they make me want to cry. But I can't. I don't want to seem more weak, more distraught. I wish I got to know him more, maybe then he would've been able to help me.
Why didn't I know him before? Why didn't I notice him before?
~~
3 years later and I see him again. Some things have changed but some haven't. I'm happy that he still thinks I'm beautiful. That my smiles are still worth something.
