"Kill Yourself Dyke"

If the Clock Went in Reverse

"Faggot"; "Lesbian whore"; "Stupid dyke"... 

Those were just a few of the lovely words thrown at me as I walked through the halls. Everyone knew my name, and everyone knew what I had done to my ex- best friend. 

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It all started several years ago in Southern Alabama. I fell deeply in love with my best friend. She was the whole package. I dreamt that I was a guy and I used to date her. One day we were having a sleepover together and I had the idea that she liked me too. I sat close to her and look at her at her big brown eyes...

 I quickly gave a peck on the cheek. She whipped around and slapped me hard. I look at her in shock as I touched my face where she hit and apologized profusely. She yelled at me to get out of her house. Life after that incident was horrible. I wish I could not have kissed her. I wish I kept my feelings secret. 

She made my life hell in high school. She told everyone I was a lesbian and no one wanted to befriend me because they were afraid I would fall in love with them. She spread rumors that I was having sex with older men for money and that I was a huge whore. I never felt so alone and so vulnerable in my whole life. None of my teachers were wanting to help me either, even though I was begging for help. They ignored me because they didn't want to help the "gay kid". I finally had enough and decided I needed to kill myself. I went to the medicine cabinet when my parents were out of the house. I took around 20 sleeping pills and went to the closet to tie a noose. I knew hanging would be painful, so to prepare for the pain, I took a knife and sliced my arm. I winced at the extreme pain. The deep blood poured out as if my arm was a waterfall. Drowsy, I went back to the noose, but the sleeping pills worked just in time. My parents came home and rushed me into the emergency room. If I could make the clock reverse, I would take back this decision. I have never seen my parents so upset and distraught in my life and still haven't yet. My mother was sobbing loudly and asking my nurse repeatedly if I was going to be okay.

 I let my bullies win. I let the people who made me feel bad about myself to win. They wanted me to go away because I was different, and I was listening to them. I should have been confident in myself. 

I should have won. 

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I changed schools after this incident and was proud to be bisexual. I dated both girls and guys and because of my confidence, people actually were inspired by me. 

Although my bullies don't know this, I finally won.