Im Not Crazy

~prologe~

'It's amazing what you can hide, just by putting on a smile'

It's true. That's what I've been doing for a year now. Everyone thinks I'm all happy go lucky, but I'm not. If they only knew what I'm going through.

My parents think they know me because I'm their daughter. They're wrong, they barely know me. No one knows me. Not even my best friend.

Oh wait, I don't have one. It's always album, movie, tour, album, movie, tour. No time to make friends. People might call me their 'friend' but they're not. They're only in it for my clothes and everything fucking thing in my closet.

Ana and Mia are my best friends. They're a package deal. If you're bulimic, there's a good chance you're also anorexic. No one knows these things. I'm not even sure if that's what I have. But what I do know is that I harm myself, a lot.

One day I just want to be normal, you know? Get married, have kids, have grandchildren. Get a nice house that my family can live in. Take care of my family, you know what most kids want to do. But that will never happen. I'm to crazy, I'm far from normal.

I'm so surprised that the media havent found anything out. I mean, every day I go to work, they're always in my face and I have scars all over my wrists. They take so many pictures but they never seem to get a picture of my wrists.

"Hayley! I thought I told you to take the trash out and wash the dishes!" My mom yelled at me from accross the house. I was in my room, and I'm guessing she's in the kitchen.

"Why are you trying to control me!? If it wasn't for me you guys wouldn't have this life! I pay the bills and everything!" I yelled back at her when I got into the kitchen.

"Hayley! Don't you ever talk to me like that! Just because you're a teen pop star doesn't mean you can act like this! I am your mother and you WILL treat me with respect!"

"I hate you!" I yelled and stomped to my room, slamming the door.

I sat on my bed and waited, making sure my mom would walk in. After a minutes or two, I walked to my bathroom and looked into the mirror.

"You're ugly, you're fat, you're worthless." The girl in the mirror said.

"You don't think I know what!?" I yelled and banged my fists into the mirror, destroying the girls' image.

I kept hitting the glass, my knuckles bloody.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I yelled even louder, bringing my fingernails up, scratching my all over my face, I'm sure I drew blood.

"Hayley!?" My mom yelled. "Hayley, darling!?" She yelled again, running to my room.

"Make the noises stop!" I cried, hoping they would.

"Hayley, please put your hands down." She said as calmly as she could.

"They won't shut up!" I yelled again, still scratching my face.

"Hayley, please. Don't hurt yourself more." She slowly walked closer to me.

"Just please put your hands down and I'll make the noises stop. Please. Just put them down." I put my hands down slowly.

"We're going to the hospital." She said, taking her phone out and dialling 911.

It took them about 5minutes to get here. When they did, they brought a gurney and strapped me onto it, my ankles and wrists.

I was forced to look at my hands. My fingers covered in blood, little on my palms.

***

"I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy." I repeated.

I looked to my parents and they were talking to a male nurse. They probably think I am schizophrenic or crazy.

I looked to my right and saw a syringe with a really long needle. I grabbed it quickly with my hand, brought it up to my mouth and took the cover off the needle with my teeth, and put the needle over my heart.

"I swear to god I'll do it." I spat out.

"Hayley, dear, please don't." My mom whispered.

"I'll do it, there are things in here that will kill me right? If I stab myself in the heart I'll die right?"

"Hayley, I'm Dr. Alex Karev. Why don't you put that in my hand and we'll help you get better." He pleaded with me, I was a little hesitant but I did. I dropped it in his hand and laid back down.

"I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy." I repeated and my parents rushed over to me.

"Hayley, are you alright?" They rushed their words.

"I'm not crazy." I kept repeating. I wanted to say something else but that's all that would come out.

"We're going to get you help to make you better darling." My dad said, stroking my cheek.

I wanted to say 'thank you' but my brain wouldn't let me.