The majority of these are from the hilarious Comedian Stewart Francis.
I failed math so many times I couldn't even count.
I was good in history....oh wait. No I wasn't.
I preferred French over chemistry. Because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any.....what's the word I'm looking for?
When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory. I forget my response.
Like most Canadians, I like to go clubbing. But if there's no seals around...
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
A friend of mine is hoping to find romance. Beer bellied, bald. I don't like her chances.
I was involved in a one night stand. We've been married for 3 years now.
I go to books stores and ask "hello, I'm looking for a book titled How to Deal With Rejection Without Killing......do you have it?"
Money wise, I'm set for life. Provided I die by next Tuesday.
I went to a karaoke club that didn't play any 70s music. At first I was afraid. Oh I was petrified.
My dad has an interesting hobby. He collects bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn't it?
I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.
I liked being raised by my father. He is schizophrenic but he's good people.
I was in the park one day thinking, Why does a frisbee get bigger the closer it gets? And then it hit me.
My father took me fishing once. I remember swimming back to shore thinking.....my father doesn't like me.
My father took me golfing, and I remember swimming back to shore thinking......golfing is a lot like fishing.
My uncle is a hypnotist. WhO hAs NeVer inAPproPriAtelY ToUchEd mE.
My father took me trick-or-treating and I remember swimming back to shore thinking....snoopy costumes get heavy when wet.
In school, all of the other kids would push me and call me lazy. God I loved that wheelchair.
So what if I can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
A guy walks into a bar. "Ow!"
