Dreams and Reality

Prom

    For the longest time. I had to say hi to him first in the halls. But one day, I was happy to notice that he did it first for the first time. He playfully punched me in the sholder, smiled and kept walking.

A few days later I ended up walking with him to his next class. We started talking about which phone sucks more, his iPhone six or my galaxy s five. Needless to say I won that arguement.

  I was telling Lynn about every conversation I had about him meanwhile and she kept telling me how she swears up and down that he liked me. Every time I would laugh and say that he was way out of my league. Rich popular and handsome. Everything I wasn't. There was no way on earth. I guess that's when the feelings started for me. Her false romantic vision.

  Just a few days ago, something strange was going on. A girl I never talked to in my entire life said hi to me. Her name was Jasmine. I said hello back to be nice, I wasn't just going to ignore her and be rude.

  Later that day I got into a fight with Chris. I knew neither of us had money for prom this year. I even gave him the suggestion to go to the movies instead. In the end he won and we both had to find a way to come up with the money. I ended up venting to Jake about it and what he said next was shocking.

  As it turns out, Jasmine had asked him to prom. He told her he had to think about it, but throughout the entire week people were practically begging him to say yes. He gave in to the peer pressure. He then proceeded to keep on telling me how he was not even interested in her and he'd rather just stay home and read. I knew how he felt but I couldn't shake this odd feeling that he would end up falling for her.

  Now, everyday, she glances at me then continues to keep walking.

  I don't understand why. It makes me uncomfortable.

  Lynn thinks she knows something of Jake and I but I keep saying it's probably just a coincidence. I doubt Jake has ever mentioned me to any of his other friends before. Then again, why should he have to, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm just trying my best to hold on to Chris. If something were to happen to us, I know Chris would not be able to handle it. Ive never seen a man so dedicated to someone as he is to me. And it really puts me in a tight place. If I could have it my way, I wouldn't have feelings for anyone, and no one would have feelings for me. Life would be much simpler without those ties. Meanwhile it drives me crazy not knowing what Jake really thinks. I can't shake this feeling that he would rather not even have me as a friend at all. Lynn swears up and down that he has feelings for me, and the whole situation just drives me insane.

  Meanwhile, more recently, it feels like everything is falling apart on me. Chris and I fight literally every day and he's scared out of his mind he's going to lose me. Just today, we ended up fighting about my "attitude." I don't even understand whats so different about my attitude today as it was two weeks ago. Then he started crying about how I'm the only thing keeping him from killing himself. He has severe depression. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. If I we're to leave him, there would be no one to root him to this world anymore. Then I'll only feel like I'm the reason he would kill himself.  And I know he would. He tried before. He tried to hang himself, before I met him. His friend Jason walked in on him just before he did it. Jason consoled him, and his parents never found out. He never tried while we were together. But he's told me he has thought about it, but then he thought of me and decided he couldn't do it. That's how I know I can't leave him. And I do love him, but when Jake comes to mind I find myself in an internal conflict. And it's just so stupid. I swear up and down that Jake doesn't like me, but I can't stop myself from feeling that way about him.

  I just don't know what to do anymore.

  Prom is in a month, and I just can't shake this feeling that something bad will happen that day. But for now, I just have to wait to see what unfolds.