Best Friends By Nicholas Ervin and Gabby Andruska

Self Image

Some days....it gets hard to keep going.I would criticize my self every single....day.And some days I pulled away from my group of people.I always have thought that they would not understand.I would even get sad more often that I would have been.Not even gabby could cheer me up.......I have done less drawings each day...to weeks...Then.....none at all...
It took me a really long time to talk again....in the summer time I was very isolated from everyone.

I mostly just stayed in my room.Im just that one guy that cry really easy...many people made fun of me for that at school.Many guys say I'm a wimp....a no show....a loner...After all that...I started to not care about anyone anymore....Me and gabby made our different ways for a month or two...It was gabby that spoke to me first.She asked me "Are you mad at me"? I said "No......I just needed time to think"....She asked me "Can we talk about it..."?

I said "No....yeah....I don't know...".She looked straight in the eyes and said "It's about you.....right"? Just when I was going to say yes she said "I think like that sometimes you know"? This was foreign to me.....sharing my feelings. We talk for a while and that I when I knew she is my best friend. So I told her few of my thoughts and I also told her I'm not ready to completely open up.
Weeks have gone by......

WHAT IS BOTHERING ME!!!!!! It had been driving me nuts for ages and I can't figure what it was. One of those days gabby saw me staring into space not doing anything. Gabby was just doing her gabby thing coming over to me and asked what is up. I looked up,looked around a tiny bit and then look at gabby."I don't even know....." and I told her that I want to talk but I am missing the details like a stolen memory. After a month or so it struck me. The very next day I told gabby what it was."Now I know what I was  thinking for a while,it was about Sam and you".

As a reader of this it still gets me to this day. I never really realized how much of a asshole Samuel was until Nick talked to me about it. I suppose I've been sorta used to it living with my mum I was used to taking abuse. "What about him?" I said Nick just looked at me like I was nuts. I don't remember the exact words he said about him but they weren't good and Nick was right. I just then sat down and felt like I wanted to cry. He did break me multiple times about stupid crap. I look back at it now and I think I just needed a good mate. Sam was like the only 'friend' I thought I had. Even though I was surrounded by so many people different people who loved at supported me I just felt lost. Nick knocked some fucking sense into my head. I needed to get away from him he was only hurting me more and more. So I left I left him high and dry and then I talked to Nick more. We talked about YouTube and dogs we talked about our past and our love for drawing we had a lot in common I didn't realize before. It was almost like I had a filter over my eyes. He was always trying to be there for me and I didn't know. Nick didn't know... But he's saved multiple times during this period of time where I had no clue what the hell I wanted to do with my life even though I was like 13. I had a very different home life than most. I'd go home watch YouTube feed my dog and then wait. Wait until my mum would arrive home to get yelled at abused and hurt again by another person I was close with. Nobody knew I didn't even know that she was abusing me at the time again filter. I told Nick about the way she would treat me and I opened up again. I never like to tell anyone my heart as I like to fake my happiness most of the time with jokes and things to numb. I drew to block people out and I watched YouTube to let the hours pass on. I started by own YouTube channel called Gabby Jackson in 2014 I still upload from time to time. But at the time I went through a really strange phase where I was obsessed over Michael Jackson I would dance sing make conspiracy videos and even fucking dress like the man. I loved him. That made me a target. I was a fangirl a YouTuber and a werido of course I'd get picked on in class but at the time I thought they liked me. Until I felt the first insult come. "Why do you dress like that stupid pedophile?!" I was yelled at on the bus. I should have never sat in the back seats I wasn't cool enough to it was like I took a reserved seats. Weridos can't sit in the back I was told. So I ignored and ignored and ignored till I got home. I cried so bad that day. I still remember it now. Bullying drove me to a point of insanity and Nick got me nick understood when I was in pain because he got remarks thrown at him too. We decided that we would always stick up for each other no matter how weird we got.