S O L I V A G A N T

B A D H A B I T S

It's easy at first. You fake a smile, force a laugh and they'll take it right away. Follow them around, don't let them see that your blank face took over your happy one.

Then they'll start to question. They'll see the dark circles under your eyes, they'll see your messy hair, they'll see you yawning at every second. And they'll ask you if you're okay, if you're sad of if you're sick. They'll worry about you. But you'll lie and say that you didn't sleep well last night, or that you went to bed late. They'll swallow the info and go back to their casual conversation while you have trouble to walk straight behind them.

You'll find yourself not paying attention in class, closing your eyes to get back some seconds of the sleep you didn't have at night. You'll start to cover up the circles under your eyes that became too dark not to get noticed. You'll eat less, because all you can think about is getting some rest.

But that's just the beginning.

Because one day they'll get tired of always asking you what's wrong. They'll assume you had a bad night and follow their normal day. But then you'll understand that what you're doing is bad. Because you'll notice the daily headaches, nauseas and dizziness. And you will want help, but you're too scared of telling somebody. Because what you're doing is wrong and they'll judge you, or blame you.

So you keep it all in. Each day you get crushed a bit more by the odd feelings in your heart and the creepy voices in your head. Each day you tell yourself to stop it and get back to normal.

But.

Each night you will stay awake. Each night you will tell yourself; just another one. But it won't stop. If you're lucky you'll end up falling asleep at 3 in the morning. But in the other case, you'll realize you should've slept this night when you see the sun outside.

Then you feel even more lonely. You hear your friends talking behind your back, rumors are spreading around the school. People will make fun of you, they'll start teasing you but it won't stop.

So you'll get back home, find that white powder and sniff it. You'll get stoned, you'll forget everything for a split second. Don't worry; it'll come back even worse.

You're shaking as you take the razor blades in your hands. You can't help but cry and shout while the sharp object goes through your flesh, coming back covered in blood. You see the sink getting red, and you'll panic. It hurts so bad, voices get louder and you will eventually follow what they're telling you to do.

So unconsciously, you grab that small plastic container. You open it and let the blue pills fall in your hand. And without any hesitation, you shove them up your throat and swallow them.

It was bad, and nothing was worth it.

But it's all gone now.