Journals To My Love

Feelings Suck

It's 12:32 a.m., April 6 and I can't fucking sleep. My mind keeps playing scenarios of how I will ever meet lauren and it sucks because I don't know if they are the future or just a pigment of my imagination. I try to forget about the possibility of ever meeting her but the world just keeps throwing signs at me. Before I start my day or go to bed she is my first and last thought, I pray almost everyday and night and ask God why. At this moment I just feel like he is teasing me and it sucks. I sit in class and try to concentrate and forget about lauren but then someone talks and they speak about life and how we only have one. So then I get inspired on reaching out to her but I don't even know how I would do such a thing.
It's 12:38 a.m. I am in bed listening to Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers and all I can think of is Lauren.
I lay in bed and my mind keeps me up, it has a constant battle against my heart and gut. My heart tells me to reach out to her, my gut has this feeling that she is the person I should fight for and that she may be MY PERSON. My mind tells me that it's crazy and to settle for something more realistic. But I cant... No matter how hard I try she is the one I see my future with and no one else.
I get closer and closer to getting to her. A year ago I moved closer to L.A. to go to school without knowing she was in L.A. this whole time, then a couple months ago I made a friend who knows her and then I met a girl in class who used to go to school with Dinah. As I was reaching for my dreams and trusted my heart and gut, I was left alone in my dorm room and decided to make a video for her, later finding out she was in L.A. I couldn't believe it was a coincidence but I knew my video wasn't going to be enough.
Everyday it hurts my soul to know she exists and yet she doesn't know I exist. If only I was granted a moment in time to say Hello or just smile at her then I know that would be the beginning of something great. Ever since I started to see Laurens true colors or atleast of what she showed, something in me woke up and my heart and gut told me to do something.
I see her and she seems familiar as if I knew her before. I just know someday my time will come up when I get to say Hello, I just need time to work on myself. Then when the timing is right the world will do its thing and hopefully bring us together.