Prolouge:
I was sitting down, I felt totally broken. I was taking a shower with my clothes on, I didn't even remember how I had gotten there. The hot water was all over me, it made me feel more relaxed than I felt before. The thing was that I could only think of those 3 words. I WAS RIGHT. I ALWAYS WAS. Even before it happened I knew it, but I had left myself think that I was wrong, that I wouldn't get hurt if they knew what I truly am. Intuition had always been my best friend, but just for a second I didn't have to trust it, because it all felt so right. The water keeps hitting the wall, the sound reminds me of rain. Even though many people told me I was being paranoid and crazy at the end I was right. They were wrong. I knew I could have never trusted anyone, I shouldn't have. That is the problem, I fell too hard with some people, and it felt totally right, until now. Can you imagine waking up one day, completely happy, feeling your life is perfect, that finally after all your suffering and sacrificing you can be happy again. Like before all those horrible things happened to you. Before you had to change yourself, just so that you could fit in. Inocense replaced with fury and self control. Always wearing a fake smile for who is there, piece by piece loosing yourself completely, until you can't recognise yourself. When I looked in the mirror I saw a total stranger. Then I met him. He made me feel like my old self again, with him I didn't have to fakes smile or be the perfect girl at every thing, I just could truly be me. I could truly be me for a while, i could be me with him. For those couple of minutes when I was with him I could be myself without being criticised or feeling like it was wrong to feel like this for once. That was until he broke my heart into a thousand pieces. Until I saw his true intentions and what he wanted to do with me.
Now I'm here in the floor crying full of blood, trying to see where I went wrong. What I could have possibly done to deserve this horrible life full of horrors and disappointments. I can't get up, no matter what I try to do. I have been broken more than one time, but I think this is the time when I can't stand, that I will never be able to stand again. I am different, I was never like them, but I still tried to fit in, tried to feel accepted, to feel normal. Now I know I will never be able to be normal, no matter how much I try, or want it to happen. I have a big cut in my leg, I wouldn't be surprised if a piece of it wasn't there anymore. But now I am too scared and shocked to watch it, to even take care of it. I finally bring myself to stand up. My parents are calling for me, I locked my door because I didn't want the to see me like this. Weak, all covered in blood, crying, almost like an animal waiting penitently for the gun to arrive and take him away from its suffering. Now that I am less shocked I can start feeling the pain in my leg. It is almost unbearable, but being me I have had some experience with pain and I can tolerate it. I was very strong but this final punch has left me down. I see that in my lower leg there is a piece of skin that isn't totally attached swinging back and forth, I think that I can also see my bone, I can't feel anything, I am too amazed to scream or even open the door, so I just let myself fall once and for all. Now I cry even louder. I can't keep it in anymore, there are so many things I have hold back since I was 12. I am 19 now, but it seems just like yesterday when I was twelve and all boys in school started bothering me telling me how worthless I was, and even worse things than that. I can hear my father screaming, louder than I have ever heard him. I know that if I don't open the door he will break it down. Even for a man of almost 42 years old he is incredibly strong. I have so many happy memories of him hugging me, kissing my cheek and forehead slightly telling me that I would always be his princess no matter what, telling me that I was okay even though I really wasn't. I will miss him the most. I also have great memories from my mother and brothers. My mother always tried to make me laugh, even though things were not okay. She hogged me and kissed me telling me that I was beautifull. My brothers were also great with me, they helped me when I struggled, even though they were smaller. I will miss them all, they were the fuel that kept me alive. But now even that can't keep me alive.
Why can't I leave now? Why can't I be free from this suffering? I have hold it for so long that I should finally be able to rest and be free. Some small part inside of me doesn't want to let go. It still wants to live and be able to please my family, they have loved and helped me so much I think they deserve to be paid back by me surviving and not giving up. But I am also thinking of myself, if I did open the door and let them in before I bleed to death I will have o keep fighting for the rest of my life. Feeling the grief and loss of all the things that have happened. At the end I don't know what wakes up in me, it felt like the fuel to live was ignited from within me, so I start crawling with my last strength to the door. I start to feel my vision blur, and pitch darkness starts to crawl in the corners of my eyes. But I have to make it, I have to reach the door and unlock it so that I can keep fighting. And just before I pass out I can fell my fathers hands around my face just saying one thing. "You will be fine, just never stop fighting. " I think that I smile, until I hear a different voice. Not just a different voice, it was HIS voice. The boy of my dreams, the boy that made me feel like myself again, the one who killed me, he traitioned me. The only words he said were " I love you forgive me, just don't die, keep fighting". So eventually I do.
