I don't think that they'd understand | Dan and Phil

Chapter 1

Tears pricked at the edge of Dan's waterline, each one rolling down an eyelash and delicately dripping onto his cheek, like a gentle drop of rain would hit the leaf of a rose in a storm. He was split in two; a part of him was adamant this had to happen if he and Phil were to be successful in their careers without his anxiety and insecurities getting in the way – but this was his head verses his heart. His heart cried for none of this to happen, like a broken, bruised fist pounding at a wall for no one to hear.

A room of agonising tranquillity.

He just wanted to finally feel happy and wanted both things he needs to fit together like the ending to a long puzzle. Unfortunately, his head won.

"Phil, I can't". Dan looked to the floor so that he wouldn't have to face the heartbreak and torment that were swimming in Phil's eyes. They were both perched on the edge of Phil's bed after filming Phil is Not on Fire 4, and after having such a great time filming, he knew that Phil thought he wasn't being... himself. He was acting, off. Phil would reach across and give him a slight kiss on the cheek knowing it used to make him laugh and his eyes crease from smiling too hard, but all he did was pull away. Dan bit down hard on his bottom lip to stop it from quivering and to end those shaky breaths coming up his throat. "I can't have everybody know. I was fine with a few people, bu-" Dan stopped to catch his breath, feeling his head ache more from the torment his was giving to himself. He took in a sharp breath, feeling the coldness pierce his lungs, matching how cold his heart currently felt. His chest was an ice kingdom.

"But our platforms are growing, more and more people will recognise us as 'Dan and Phil' and although that scares me shitless too I can only handle a few things at once, and you know that." His voice croaked from the intense screaming match a few hours earlier, a battle of "it's not you, it's me" and "you can't just end it like this, not after how it started". He built up the bravery to look up, but his sight broke him even more.

Phil. Eyes red from the stinging tears with a lifeless stare, his soft skin red and swollen, his lips quivering. His eyes were such a sorrowful shade of grey; it looked like someone had taken a bright colour pallet of red, orange, blue and violet and had mixed them altogether; leaving a colourless life-form. Just life Dan felt like he was doing - ripping the life away from Phil. Phil gently reached a hand over to grab at Dan's, but Dan reluctantly pulled away. He couldn't believe that he did that, but he had to stop Phil from not letting him do what he was thought was right.

"Phil you can't just hold my hand or kiss me and expect me to not think about my own feelings. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and I'm trying to figure out what this shithole of a universe wants from me and what I'm supposed to and wh-" "The universe wants us to be together" Phil interrupted, wiping away the remainder of tear droplets on his cheek and accidentally smudging the black ink from the whiskers. "You cannot just throw away what we have because you're scared of being judged" Phil sniffled, his voice wincing. "How do you think I feel, Dan? What I would've given for you to come into my life sooner than you did is something I could never amount to, but now that you're here you can't just possibly give this up. I haven't gone the majority of my life without someone I needed, just to do it again". Phil let his body fall back onto his covers, his eyes becoming fixed on a crack in the ceiling. Pretty ironic, huh? He thought.

"But Phil, it's not like we're not going to live together, or make videos". Dan breathed softly. He knew Phil understood where he was coming from, he just had to get his words right. "We're still going to be together in a way, but just as... best friends". He felt like the world below him had just began to crumble apart, breaking away piece by piece. Phil felt the same – he was too weak from the constant arguing and the constant shouting about what to do. If they stayed together, Dan wouldn't have been able to continue making videos with Phil, he'd feel too overwhelmed, too anxious about what on earth people would comment or what rumours would be spread about him next. But, if what he and Phil had came to an end they could continue together, take on the world and make themselves known – but not together, only side by side. He knew Phil loved YouTube more than anything and was overjoyed for Phil to be doing what he does best, but if Phil's channel took off and Dan's ended, Phil would have to leave – imagine all the meet and greet's he'd do, the after parties, the awards, the distances he'd travel, he couldn't hold Phil back by staying at home working a 9 to 5 job or going back to University. Sure Dan could tag along but he'd be in the side-lines no matter how hard Phil would try to get him involved, and he'd feel too lonely from Phil being gone weeks at a time.

"I do want you to know something, firstly, before we do this" Dan looked down at Phil to see him give a slight nod of approval. Phil reluctantly sat back up, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. He was keeping his thoughts to himself, he knew Dan was so stubborn that he'd get the last word anyway. "You will always be my first – my first real laugh, the first person I saw who instantly took my breath away, and the first person to accept me for who I am and who I will be. Philip Michael Lester you are amazing for doing what you've done, and there is no way I can ever repay you for giving me everything and having me throw it all back". He reached up and placed his cold hand onto Phil's cheek, wiping away at the damp spots with his thumb. "You deserve better, and I deserve worse. Man, you're going to be a tough one to get over" Dan tried to lighten the mood, but by Phil's 'are you fucking kidding me' facial expression it clearly wasn't working.

"Can you kiss me, please?" Phil swallowed, watching Dan's top eyebrow crease. Dan moved his hand to swipe a single piece of hair off of Phil's face. "I don't think it would help what we're about to do, Phil". "No listen to me, I have to go along and watch you move on from me and still be your best friend, so the last thing I ask you is, please, just kiss me".

Dan let out a deep sigh, and slowly nodded. When his lips met Phil's he could taste the salt from the tears, but also the warmth and comfort from something he longed for which filled his world with light, until he broke it apart knowing that's the final time he'd ever feel it.

"So, Phil?" Dan held out his hand and lovingly looked at Phil, letting him know it was all going to be okay.

"Friends?"

Phil reached over and grabbed Dan's hand, a slight smile on his face but a hurricane in his heart. "Friends".

Dan gave an awkward side smirk and lifted from the bed, walking out of the room and gently closing the door behind him. Phil's throat tightened as he flung his face into a pillow and screamed. He screamed so hard he felt his throat flake away and his voice box shrink, he screamed so loud he thought everything inside his throat was about to erupt all over his bedsheets. He screamed so loud, his face turned to a fiery shade of red; the same shade of red that he used to think reflected his love for Dan. Deep, scary, passionate, absolutely insane.

But now, all it represents,

Is the void where his heart once was.