i miss you. i miss your laugh. i miss your smile. i miss you protecting me. i wish we hadn't grown apart. you have impacted my life in so many ways. i'm holding on for you. i'm holding on for my sister, you know she couldn't take me leaving too. i'm so sorry that you were that broken, that you hurt that much, that you hurt that much you had to leave. we all miss you. if only you could've seen you the way i saw you, the way everyone saw you: beautiful and amazing. it's been one year. it's days like this where i wish i had the words to make sentences that people would understand. to put what's going on in my brain into words. you always encouraged everyone and it was just so unexpected. i found the note you wrote me so many years ago. i gave it to your mom and she smiled and held it to her heart. she misses you more than you could imagine. your brothers are doing well and your dad seems to be getting better. we all have our days where we think about you more. you loved people, you loved dogs, you loved sunsets. and now i only see you when the sun sets, you paint with beautiful colors in the sky. i wish i could see you again. you and my sister were close. you were the only friend of her i looked up to and actually liked. you actually treated me like your little sister and not like i was just annoying like her other friends treated me. it's been hard, but we are holding on. maybe if you could see our school the day we found out, you would have seen how loved you were and still are. maybe you wouldn't have done what you did. i can't find the words to tell you how much i miss you and i'm a complete mess right now. i miss and love you so much. when i heard, i thought that they were, wrong, you were stronger than that. but none of us knew that the monsters in your brain had won. i wish i could go back and hold you and tell you that it was going to be okay. i know this makes no sense, it's been a long day and i have no more tears to give. i love you.
