I'm Naomi and I hate myself. Really do. I try too hard, or just don't try enough. I hate that my smile feels so real but I know it's so fake. I hate the way I dress and how people make fun of me because I dress like a mother. I hate that I'm short because I already feel small enough in this big world of people. I hate myself because I am of another ethnicity. I hate myself because I don't embrace my culture because I'm scared of judgment. I hate that I am not skinny and I can't sing like everyone else in my class. I hate when I feel confident that here is always somebody there to tell me I look like something else and insult me because that's all they can do. I hate that I can't help people. I hate everything I really do. The world is a hard place, but it's harder for me. I'm a lesbian, I'm not like others. I'm different. When we're children people tell us to embrace our differences, but how can we when it turns into a target. I just wish someone. Like see me, because I am me. Depression is hard. You think you're down with it and you've been strong enough to conquer it, but it slaps you in the god damn face. So you act happy all the time how can I be happy.
I'm happy, they say I'm trying too hard. I try to act "normal." They think something is wrong with me. I have a lot wrong with me but it's not what you think.
I have anxiety. Meaning I get nervous over nothing and over think everything. You don't understand what I'm feeling, stop trying to please. God it hurts so much.
I wish to help people and when I can I feel trapped and like I can't do anything and I have no purpose, but I'm beginning to notice that people just don't want to listen.
I think I lost my best friend, and I didn't loose her the way I thought I would. I lost her because she was consumed and became another person. And I miss my friend, I tried to help her. I didn't. She drank-again. And it hurt, and I tried to talk to her about it. She said it was fun and that I was acting like a mother. I'm sorry that I care. I'm sorry I ever cared.
Another, she didn't know what to do about a girl she liked, I didn't like her. She treated my friend horribly and she didn't deserve my friend. I told her no, and she went for it and got her feelings hurt. I told her again no when they got into a fight. She didn't listen and was hurt yet again.
My best friends sister-dead. She called, we talked for 3 hours. I told her so many things. She had so much to live for a family, people who loved her. Friends, a life. But I guess the depression and he pain was too much and was more of a priority than her sister, her mother, and her poor father. So I get a call from her sister and I find it she dies of a drug overdose.
Is it too hard to ask for a person to listen. Why don't they. I know I'm young, but so are they. They have opportunities and they waist them and I don't understand how.
My girlfriend and I have made a promise to each other to never do this, and if you're reading this please don't do it. I beg of you.
Don't get me wrong, I've thought of it, joked of it, almost did once it got so bad. But please don't.
It's fucking hard, I know. It's like the flames of hell, but it will get better, even just a little bit. I promise.
I wish I felt safe in my own body, in my own skin. I don't. I don't feel good, I feel sick and done honestly. But I have to keep going. Keep running.
I never had great stamina or a running capability. I was never strong. In fact I'm quit weak and it's sad, but I fail. And I feel like the worst thing ever. I do. And smiling through it makes it hurt more, thus the reason I'm venting. But if just all fucking sucks.
I don't want to hate, but I do hate. Because I'm not perfect. I'm broken.
