I fucked up, what a surprise. I hurt you which was the last thing I ever wanted. When you love someone you're not suppose to hurt them. You're suppose to support them, do everything in your power to make them happy. But I fucked yo and failed at the one simple task at hand. I left, because I felt alone. But I shouldn't have. I was blind and didn't see what I had until I let it go. Until I left her go. I let her go for poison. For my yellow paint. Someone else who I thought I loved. But as I went in I realized I didn't love them. I loved you. I still love you. And I hate myself for it. Not you, I could never hate you. You are light. You are amazing you could never do anything wrong as many times you tell yourself otherwise.
I fuck up a lot. It's something I've just come to realize. I'm stupid and I overthink. I over think and I lose the things I care about most. The people I care about most.
I'm sorry for not being honest with you. And I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I wanted to give you everything. I wanted to do everything, but I didn't because I was selfish.
You do deserve better as much as if fucking hurts. But I know you don't need me. You hate me. And I wish it didn't turn out this way. I want to go back to normal. All I wanted to do was be able to see that beautiful smile on your face. That beautiful smile that you always said was ugly. It was beautiful. The most beautiful smile. I miss you. So much.
I want to say that I'll be okay. Bu I don't think I will be. I'm tired of being so stupid. I'm tired of fucking up. But it's like life is just telling me to stop. I try to make things better- but I don't.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
And i hate myself for it.
