letters i'll never send

one: a letter to myself

to my future self,

i hope you're doing better than you are right now. assuming you can't recall writing this too vividly, let me tell you how you're doing: your favorite person just told you that you aren't best friends anymore and you're not sure what to do. you want to die more than ever but you're going to see giraffes in 7+ hours and that's keeping you alive. you're insanely tired of everyone's crap and who you're becoming because you know you're disappointing your mom. you're broken yet again and you absolutely hate yourself for letting all of this happen. you hate yourself for believing it could actually be better.

if you're not doing any better, i really don't know what to tell you. i don't know how long it's been since you've written this. maybe it's been 5 weeks or 9 years. i don't know. i guess, if you're not doing better now, then i hope you were for awhile. i hope you got any kind of break that you could possibly get before life started to suck again. i know you're tired of it and i know it hurts. 

and wherever you are in life right now, promise me you're taking care of yourself. and if you're doing a crappy job- stop. take care of yourself in every way-mentally, physically, emotionally. treat yourself like you matter because even when you think you don't, you do. we've learned this over and over again so hopefully this is just a friendly reminder.

 i hope you know that i love you even when it doesn't feel like i do. honestly, there are times when i don't know how to. but i try my hardest to, anyway. no matter who you lose in this lifetime, you'll always have me, babe. you kind of don't have a choice. #sorrynotsorry.   

one last thing: you're going to be okay.

always,
your past self