My Love, You Live Here

Mike, there is no Goodbye

Friday,
10.7. 2012
2.12 PM

***

My sweet love,

I don't know can you see this but just in case if you can, I am going to tell you that I really love you and I miss you dearly.

I know we had some problems, but every couple had it now and then.

I know you don't exist anymore, but in my heart you still live. You made me joy and peace, and beautiful moments when we were
together, they all captured my heart.

Death took you far away from me but you took the key with you.
So my love, my heart is broken and locked.

I remember myself when I was with you, I was so happy, we were happy.

In those days, sun had a meaning.
Sun shined for us, night stars had a special meaning too, they always made romantic nights and
peaceful dreams.

It was beautiful to have you, being in your arms and talking about our future.

How it will be, how many kids we will have, where we will live. We always loved forests the most.

We needed to live there, among the trees. Just me and you, far away from crowd.

Do you remember how I was so annoyed to you, actually I never was, you laughed, but hey I did tried my best!

Those were our happy times.

I would tell you 20 times per day how much I love you, do you remember?

I would say "I LOVE YOU" out loud in somewhere in public then start to giggling and laughing as a silly kid.

God, I loved that kid inside of me when I was with you.

We are all bunch of adult kids anyway, only sometimes we need to pretend to be adult.

I was always somehow more adult then you, but when things got serious I loved when you were in charge.

I felt protected and loved then. I always did, most of times I did. I miss that feeling too. So much.

They said you are not so handsome, but for me you were the most beautiful person in the whole world.

Do you remember how I used to tell you
"Hey Mister, maybe you are not the most beautiful one, most smartest one, most super cool one,
but that its not important, because you are mine and THAT makes you most beautiful, most smart and most super cool", and for me you were.

We would both laugh so much on my stupid jokes, if no one would understand me, you would at least pretend you do. That was always so sweet.

I did try to move on Michael, but I couldn't, when you died, something died in me.

I lost myself, but I still live, somehow I go through day, hoping for next one, which will be better one.

Somehow I am managing to survive but Mike, I will not lie to you.

There is no sun for a long time now, there is no peaceful dreams in my nights.

My bed became more as a coffin then a cozy bed.

Memories are not nice, not what people say about them really.

They hurt me every day.

I don't even need any of our images to remind myself on times when we were happy, when you were with me, when I was with you.

Most of people or better to say no one, they really don't understand me, but again they don't need to, no one knew you as I did.

No one loved you as I did and no one loved me as you did.

No one knew us.

I miss the sun and sound of laughter. I miss being happy.

God, I don't even remember when it was the last time that I woke up happy.

This is not life Mike, this is a cage but still I am breathing and trying to be better.

I hope you will help me, you always did. You were my hero and Heroes well, they cant die.

I need to go now, but I promise to write you soon again.

I don't know where I am going, don't ask, but I will come to write again, because you are listening me from somewhere.

God I must be crazy or I have a terrible sense for expressing my depressive creativity, either way I am screwed so who cares anyway.

Its good as long if I am breathing.

***

Love you always.

xoxoxo

Bell