Monday,
10.10.2012
6.12 PM
***
Mike, I feel like shit. I tried to go out today but I started to panicking so much, that I almost felt on the floor and smash my stupid head.
Maybe it would be better if I did. God! I am so fucking useless!
There was a whole weekend and I didn't do nothing!
I am trying my best, so I made some kinda of homework for myself.
To do at least one useful thing for myself each day, but something really useful but I really don't know what and how.
Its like I am stuck and I am just spinning around nowhere.
I am not sure what is happening to me last couple of weeks, things are getting worst lately.
It is like I isolated myself completely.
I know you will say it is not good but please spare me now of that mumbling.
I really need your hug and comfort.
I miss our hugging and snuggling.
Then I would be in peace, even if the whole shitty world would falling apart.
I would be in peace, because I would be with you and you would say as usual how you used to, when I was freaking out.
"Babe, it will be all alright.."
Some days are worst and some days are more worst, after you dared to die and leave me here alone, that is mostly how I am spending hours, days, weeks, months.
There is five too long, too painful, too hard years Michael as you left this world and me, but for me, most of times it is like an hour.
I am going crazy sometimes, don't I? You don't have to respond, I am very aware of my issues.
Can you imagine life as that? Where can you see a life here Mike? But seriously! Be honest, where?!
I am not sure can I even see or feel any life near me, gosh that sound so depressing.
I still wonder how I am managing to stay sane, well, in my case, more less.
Mike, I am ok, am I? I know you are somewhere here so I am sure I will be fine. I know you wouldn't allow that nothing bad happens to me.
I am afraid of my isolation, I know I always hated when we had to go into crowds and I really hated rush hours but again I enjoyed when we
were together, hanging around with our old friends and just had a good time.
I don't miss them anymore for a long time, I have to admit that to you.
After you died, they started to pity me, then after few weeks after your death, they were all so "hilariously friendly" after recommending me some "very good" doctors, so I can talk to them about my "issues and depression" and going to therapy.
Our old so called friends gave up on me, actually I don't think anyone really did love me there. Don't be angry, I am sure you can see that too.
It was all you, when you were the center of all and I was your right side.
Then everyone would accept me, but as you left me, now no one its here to
check me and take care of me.
Maybe again its my fault, I cant go through world and blame others for everything, but i wish I could.
Feelings of selfguilt and selfdestruction would be much easier to handle.
Yes I know exactly what you will tell, its like I am hearing you even now.
"Bell you are one adult young beautiful women, you are smart and intelligent. You always did your best in taking care of me so now you need to take care of yourself and be happy. Only you can do that and only you know how to do that. Don't relay on others so much don't expect from
others too much. You have to do it, if not you will never be truly happy."
Mike, bullshit! I know you would say that if you are here now, but its not so simple, maybe on paper yes but in life, no, I still didn't move on.
What do you know, you read only letters, but you are not me.
No matter of love we share beyond this life and world, you are not here to ACTUALLY SAY OR FEEL THIS!
Its only me imagining and fantasizing things, how would you do, what would you do, how would you say, would you be proud or sad.
No, I am not addicted and obsessed psycho, but you were my mentor and best friend in many things.
I never told you a lot of those things, but I am glad you are reading them now. I wish I can see your smile now.
I feel so alone, I hate stupid Mondays. Remember before I used to love Mondays, all started with your idea of "fresh positive beginnings".
How you used to say, Mondays are always most amazing and most powerful days in the entire week and I would ask you why.
Then you would laugh and give me that silly sweet look and asked me back "Well babe, what do you think?"
I would respond stupidly "I have no idea Mike" and then you would take both of my hands, pulled me closer and kiss me, then smiled as only
you knew to smile.
"BECAUSE IT IS A FRESH START OF EVERYTHING! SO LEAVE ALL NEGATIVE BEHIND AND MONDAY IT IS A FRESH BEGINNING FOR NEW ADVENTURES THIS WHOLE WEEK UNTIL NEXT MONDAY AGAIN!".
You were so optimistic, no matter what problems could cross our path, we were a TEAM! We always managed to went through all.
Sometimes because, lets just admit it.. I was more instinctual and you had more courage.
You and me together, forever! That was a promise, you always kept your promises and I trusted you, that was a virtue which not many people
have Mike, and I loved that. You were my man, my love, my pride.
Why you needed to go Mike, why.
Its not only you who died that day, my entire world died as well, I died with you, only god dam difference between you and me right now
its that I am still breathing.
I don't even do nothing fun or enjoying in anything special for a long time.
I feel like a glass, once beautiful and shiny, now just a broken piece.
I love you, now I know I needed to say you all this things when you were still with me, alive.
I will write to you soon again.
***
Love you always,
xoxoxo
Bell
YOU ARE READING
My Love, You Live Here
Misterio / SuspensoDark and emotional novel based on personal love letters written by young women Bell. She tragically lost her lover, before few years ago. She never moved on, but eventually she did somehow, in her own way. She started to write. Alone and captured...
