I'll Be Alright (boyxboy)

Chapter 16

Picture of Aunt Elizabeth

Chapter 16

At first, I thought I was dead. White light shrouded my vision and I felt a pleasant, floating sensation. The thought came with a sense of relief. It's over. I'm done. I don't have to worry about anything. But as I blinked, reality slowly came into focus. I wasn't staring into the light. It was only the ceiling. A steady, intrusive beeping in the background registered at the back of my mind, filling the otherwise silent room, and plastic tubing tickled my nose, uncomfortable and foreign against my skin. I licked my dry lips and flinched when my tongue traced over what could only be stitched. Sluggish but still somewhat frantic, I tried to pull it away from my face, but the effort could only translate to the twitching of my fingers. Crisp pressed blankets crinkled underneath my fingertips and I immediately knew where was.

I'd grown to recognize the cold air of a hospital, the pungent, sickly sweet odor of cafeteria food and sickness. We spent far too much time in a place like this when my mother was dying. She would maintain a bright smile, despite exhaustion and pain, every time we came to visit. I remembered resting my head on these same blankets, praying in vain that she would somehow heal. Praying they'd magically discover the cure to cancer and save my mom. My dad would grip my shoulders as if they were the only thing keeping him from floating away. And then I remembered.

My dad.

My short, breathy gasp filled the room, echoing in its near silence. Tears slid down my cheeks, wetting the soft pillow behind my head and trailed down to my chin. I killed him. I killed my own dad. Another gasp, followed by a wet cough. The memories that came rushing forward made me want to vomit, sick with self hatred and shame.  When I cried out quietly in anguish a thumb traced over my fingers. I stilled, snapped my mouth shut, and tried to sit up, but besides my arms, shaking as I strained to move, the rest of my body was numb. Dizziness rattled my senses and I was working myself into full fledged panic when the white ceiling was replaced with a face I'd come to know better than my own.

"Ollie?" Tobias breathed and reached out to cup my shoulder. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Can you here me?"

His touch calmed my struggling and after a moment, I nodded slowly. He smiled, though his wide eyes were blurry and his hair disheveled, as if he'd just woken up. His grin faded slightly as he lowered his eyes. I followed his gaze and immediately wished I could disappear. My wrists were bandaged tight, and only then did I feel the stinging wounds they concealed. It didn't feel real. Even as I thought of the blood and remembered the distant swooshes over water filling my ears, it felt hazy and false, as if I were recalling a movie I'd seen rather than my own memories. Staring at the bandages, I didn't feel regret. There was the shame, pain, and the crippling depression I'd come to accept as being normal, but no regret. If anything, I was disappointed.

"I...I-" I couldn't finish my sentence. My hoarse throat strangled my words into a stuttering mess, probably due to the actual strangling my dad gave me.

"Hey." Tobias interrupted, his eyes focused on me again. "Don't worry about it right now. You don't have to say anything. Not if you don't want to."

I shook my head, trying to find the right thing to say. Was there a right thing to say after trying to commit suicide? Do I say anything at all? Should I apologize? Somehow, that didn't feel right. I wasn't sorry, so an apology would hardly be genuine. A stubborn frustration burned through me momentarily and I thought to myself, why? Why should I say sorry? It's my miserable life to take. However, the flame was extinguished when I saw the look in Tobias eyes. The guilt was as plain as day and it stifled any anger I might have felt. I hiccuped, staring at the my white wrapped wrists. Tiny spots of dried blood stained the edges. My eyes trailed up, following the familiar trail of old and new bruises. I felt Tobias staring as well but couldn't meet his gaze.