I help out with the chores, mopping up the living room and folding blankets in the T.V room. I wash dishes and hum to myself as I do so. James walks up to me and raises an eyebrow, a silent question; what happened last night? I whisper everything that happened last night to him, barley above audible. James leans in close to hear me. I tell him everything minus the confession that Daddy has trouble sleeping at night, that felt like a secret I should keep. James smiles and leans close to me, his voice as quiet as mine
"I think he's already starting to fall in love with you" he smiles, his blue eyes widening slightly. I shake my head and brush a stray brown curl from his forehead, it was bothering me. James smiles "I really need to get my hair cut, thanks for noticing"
-
We ate outside at lunchtime. I suppose this was normal, because everyone was putting plates of hotdogs and burgers on the bench table in the yard. I tried to look for James but he was nowhere to be found. We all ate and talked, I was talking to a pretty girl named Jilly when Daddy and James came back, James flustered and his brown hair ruffled slightly. Daddy, on the other hand, looked fine.
I catch James eye and widen my eyes slightly. He held up a finger and reached for a hotdog and took his time putting on ketchup and mustard. I waited patiently. The art of food is something that simply cannot be rushed.
He takes a bite of the hot dog and locks eyes with me. He puts down the hot dog and shakes his hands out in front of him. Then with a quick look around he shifts one hand into a fist and the other just his pointer finger up, and inserts one into the other. He puts his hands down and blinks twice at me as if saying do you understand? And I do.
"You fucked him?" Already knowing the answer. James swallows his bite and shakes his head, mouthing back "He fucked me"
I take a bite of my burger and glance at daddy, who was talking with James now. I take another bite of my burger and my stomach lurches unpleasantly. I'm not used to eating so much..first breakfast..then lunch? I think of dinner and shoot up from the table and into the house. I find the toilet and release my stomachs contents into it, feeling better once everything's out and my stomachs empty again. The familiar feeling comforts me and I flush the toilet and stand up. I brush my teeth and hands and fix my hair a little.
I step out of the bathroom and walk up the staircase, holding on to the side as I think of where to go to have a decent nap. I walk up the second flight of stairs and make a left, opening a random door. It was a broom closet.
I examine it, deciding it was enough space to sit and fall asleep in, I climb in and close the door behind me. I fall asleep within seconds.
"Mommy?" I smile, reaching for the woman with blonde hair and blue eyes, I had gotten my dad's eyes. Mom rolls her eyes and grabs me roughly by the hair, dragging me.
"Mommy, please, that hurts!" I cry, tears running down my small face. I was only five.
She practically throws me into the car. I wipe my tears and smile.
"Mumu? Are we going to Disney like you always promise?" I look out the car window, feeling excited. The car comes to a stop at a red light and mom grabs me by the hair again, pulling me into the front seat. I wipe new tears and mom slaps me across the face and grabs my neck, squeezing hard. She throws me back to the backseat and I whimper. The car starts to move up again.
Mom lights a cigarette and blows smoke into the stuffy car air. I cough.
We get to a ugly building, not run down or anything, but..plain. Mommy spins me around and looks me in the eye-
"Francis! I've been so worried, I thought you'd left" Daddy gasps, picking me up from the broom closet and into his arms. I feel empty. I had the dream again. I feel daddy's shaking and I hear sobs. Only when I feel the wetness on my cheeks I realize the tears were my own.
Daddy closes the closet door and walks me downstairs. I cry and cry and I hear gasps and people asking what happened. Daddy kisses my forehead and mumbles "Later" and leaves. I wipe my eyes and sit up.
"Bad nightmare. It was like, I woke up and realize none of you guys really exist and I'm alone in darkness"
People aww and lean in for a hug. I reach James last and cling onto him. A part of me feels like I can trust James, but another feels like we just met and I don't really know him.
"Was it because what happened earlier, with me and d-"
I shake my head and he hugs me tighter. I'm aware of people watching us, thinking that maybe we're together and breaking a possible rule. The boys in our room stay quiet, but the 3 girls in the room whisper to one another. Me and James break apart, but I go and sit next to him on his bed. He grins at me and holds out his hands.
"Wanna play numbers?"
--
I stare up at the ceiling, my heart beating fast in my chest when I hear the soft creak of the door opening. I peek through my bedsheets and see daddy walking towards me. I pretend to be asleep, hoping he'll just walk out.
I feel his strong arms lift me up and he puts my head on his shoulder and holding me up with his hand under my bum. I shift a little, breathing in his scent of clean laundry. I automatically nuzzle my face more into his neck and he chuckles, kissing my forehead. My heart does a flip and I feel my cheeks heat up.
He puts me on the bed gently and sits next to me, just watching me. I put my head on his lap and close my eyes, relaxing on the feeling of daddy's fingers in my hair.
"What's your real name?" I whisper, looking up at him. He blinks and the corner of his mouth twitches up into the ghost of a smile.
"Ashton" he says simply "Ashton Irwin"
I nod and close my eyes, not tired, but calm.
"What happened earlier? Why'd you cry like that?"
I tell him about my nightmare, everything, even the parts I didn't fully get to dream. I explain it's a memory of my mother. He just listens and plays with my hair. I let a few tears drop.
"You didn't deserve any of that" he whispers to me "I promise you"
I nod and curl up into a tiny ball. Daddy pulls me into his chest. I allow myself to sleep, and surprisingly, it was peaceful.
