On Your Own

???

You've been a nobody all your life, haven't you? And now you're getting a chance to change all that? Looks to me like someone's ungrateful.

No. You're... you're not ungrateful. She doesn't understand. There are people who can't accept this. You're not sure you can accept it.

And yet here we are.

Tell you what. There is someone I've been meaning for you to talk to.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Do you know him?

You know him better than anyone else.

Does he know you?

That depends. Who are you?

You consider this. You know you aren't some people. You know you aren't lucky, which means there are people who are. You know you don't know much and there are some who know everything.

She's asking for your name?

No. Just your motive.

You consider splinters. You consider faces. You consider all the things you've made. You feel nothing much.

You're here because you're curious.

No, not curious.

You're here because you have to be.

Not very idealistic.

What can you say? Not much it seems.

Suddenly, everything changes.

You think of speaking. You think better of it. You think worse of it. You think all around it.

Hello?

Damn.

No answer.

You try the phone.

Hello?

Yes?

You pause.

Hello. Who is this?

You stay quiet.

Is someone there?

You don't even breathe.

Huh. There is a click.

You exhale. You look around.

Your hands become a fire and your eyes, crackling tinder.  Flames flicker and are extinguished. 

Your sight doesn't seem to work. Thank God.

If you were able to see, you might be able to think. If you were able to think, your heart might begin to beat. If your heart began to beat, you might be able to take in another breath. If you were able breathe, maybe you could begin to think. Maybe your hands wouldn't be so cold. Maybe you can ask for forgiveness...

Forgiveness.

You remember what you sacrificed to get here. To get where?

The sky sings an insane song and the momentary loss is forgotten.

Forgetfulness.

That was it.

The trees are forgetful, but even they remember you. The path to her house is a rocky one. The path to her heart was easier. Your cane strikes the ground in easy rhythms. Ksh. Bdmp. Ksh. Bdmp. The gravel road winds in terrible and perfect patterns. Ksh. Bdmp. Her eyes entrap a tempest, electricity crackles and wind howls. Condensed steam drowns rational thought. Funny how storms unleash the fury of the immaterial. Dm. Dm. You playfully knock on the door frame. Her smile unveils shining dentures. She leads you further into the house.

You say you would have thought she'd have moved after all these years.

She says she knows. She says she understands.

That's a relief.

Understanding.

She brings you to a door. Only the door is not actually visible because of the dressers and drawers and bed frames in the way. You hear shaking, pounding.

You ask how he's doing.

Oh, the same.

You move on, your rough, wrinkled hands running along walls and counters. She finally stops to bring you a drink. She asks if you'll ever come back.

You... you don't know.

She asks why.

You hold her face in your hands.

You have the strangest feeling you'll never see her again.

You say you will.

She breaths a sigh of relief.

She says, well if that's the way it is then she'd better get the laundry started.

You almost smile.

You remember that door. You remember the last time you saw him, bloodied and beaten. His face was crackling tinder and her eyes a storm. You remember the last time you saw his face. His eyes were the tree in the school yard. An ugly and beautiful thing. You let out a sob. You let out no more.

You remember asking, begging for forgiveness. You remember his merciless face. You remember how many times you held him back. You remember all that he'd done for you. You remember pushing that first dresser up against that quaking door. You remember his screams. You remember... you remember...

You forget.

Forgetfulness. That's what this was about, right?

You remember.

Forgiveness.

He never forgave you.

Understanding.

You don't understand.

You don't understand.

You cry yourself to sleep.