Beyond Repair

Chapter 35: Hospital

PAISLEYS POV

When I awoke, I was in the hospital. There was an IV hooked to my arm and I hated it. IV are horrible. The heart monitoring machine was annoying as it beeped next to me. I hate hospitals.

"Paisley you're awake," I hear dad say and now I know I'm in trouble. He sounds mad but not furious. He's gonna try to pick my brain to figure out why I started but they only caught me this time. Its been going on for a long time. But should I tell him why I was home early? Why shouldn't I? Its not like it matters. They don't care so why should I?

I see my whole family in here. My brothers look worried, that's strange, and my dad looks pissed. My brothers also seem nervous, I never told dad what they did but maybe I should've.

"Why did you start cutting again?!" he asks and I cringe. I hate when he's angry. I take a look at my brothers and they look guilty. They should. I could tell dad everything and it'd be that. They'd be grounded for eternity. I should tell him. Why should I protect them when they didn't protect me? I know why.

I'm not them. I actually give a shit about them. I don't want them to suffer. I have too big of a heart.

"No reason," I say and dad doesn't buy it.

"Damn it Paisley, you're gonna tell me why you cut right now! I'm not playing."

"Neither am I. I just wanted to feel in control."

"You're a horrible liar."

"I'm telling the truth."

My brothers stand there speechless. They weren't expecting this.

"No you're not."

"Dad why are you bothering yourself with this? Don't you have Carmen to get back to?" I snap and there's a small silence.

"What does Carmen have to do with this?"

"How about the fact that you spend more time with her than your own family. Or how about the fact you don't even know what's happening in your own house?"

"I do know what's happening in my own house!"

Sure you do

"Sure."

"What I don't know is why my daughter would be cutting again!"

"I told you--"

"No something's bothering you, your thigh is all shredded up so you've been doing this for a long time!"

"Shut up and leave me alone!" I shout and everyone stares at me.

"Paisley--"

"Maybe I miss mom! Maybe I'm sick of missing her! Maybe I'm sick of feeling guilty."

Dad gulps, "Paisley, listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"And what is that."

"I knew Carmen after your mother's death. We met on a business trip and I was transferring to Flordia at that time. I came to check the office out and met her. We spent some time together, it felt nice to be with someone again. Anyway, we dated and the other day, I asked her to marry me."

My eyes go wide and my jaw drops. My brothers have similar expressions. No, no this cannot be happening. Shit this cannot be happening. Please tell me this is a dream.

I liked Carmen but I didn't know their relationship was this serious. How could he keep her a secret from us for all this time? Did we move her because of her?

"No, no you're lying," I say and dad shakes his head.

"We're getting married this summer and one more thing. She's carrying my baby."

I start to breath rapidly and I just start crying.

"No you can't do this. This is not fair. You didn't even ask us. God dad how could you do this?!"

"Paisley I hate being alone. I hate sleeping on that huge king bed by myself. I hate rolling over to feel empty space. I can't deal with it. I want to cuddle someone at night. I want someone to be there when I roll over so I could hug. I want to grow old with someone!"

"Why don't you worry about your kids instead of who you're gonna sleep with at night! But we come in second don't we," I say and tear up. Dad stares in shock and so do my brothers. I could care less right now. They've all abandoned me. None of them care or they'd consider my feelings in all of this. I can't even stand to look at them anymore so I focus on my wrist. Its stitched up so I guess I went too deep. Maybe next time I'll go even deeper and finally be at peace.
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