Chapter 1
It’s not like I asked to be born and it would be lying to say I wasn’t a mistake. Because I obviously was, I can’t ignore the fact that I had killed my mother Bella and tortured my father Edward by my very existence. I often wonder how it would have been if my mother would have remained human, what life would be like had I not killed her.
Bella hates when I say things that “suggest” I’d killed her and I always reply with “mom look at the facts, I did kill you” and Edward usually just mumbles something and walks away annoyed by my constant guilt.
I am happy and I love my family, I just can’t digest the fact that I had changed the entire dynamic of my family the humans and the vampires even the werewolves which I consider to be my family as well. I think all I really want is for my family to acknowledge the fact that I am not some miracle child or some sort of blessing from the Gods, but rather some sort of omen or freak of nature, ok maybe not an omen but freak of nature yes.
My combativeness about my existence has always been a thorn in my best friend Jacobs’s side. Every time I bring up the fact that I wasn’t meant to be here, he always replies with Nessie you have no idea how special you are, how important you’re life is to all of us. I would argue that statement with that fact that I didn’t see why I was here what purpose did I serve and he’d reply with Trust me Ness, you serve a major purpose, you don’t see it now but just please trust me.
And I do trust Jacob, with every fiber of my body, but I know he hasn’t got a clue what my purpose is.
Sometimes I feel guilty or ungrateful, I have family and friends who love and cherish the ground I walk on but I can’t let go of the fact that I somehow don’t deserve the attention. Bella blames my self loathing on my father, saying that other than him I am the most self depreciating person she’d ever known.
“And yet I sit here talking to you” Bella nearly snapped.
“You know what I mean Mom! Don’t you ever wonder? Doesn’t it ever cross your mind?” I said pulling out the chair in our kitchen to sit beside her.
“No, Renesmee I don’t! This is what I wanted. Your father and you, why is that so hard for you to understand? I might be dead technically but I am much more alive now than I was when I was human and that is in most part because of you”
“It’s crazy” I mumbled under my breath, which was pointless, with her vampire senses she heard me just as if I yelled it from the roof top.
“Renesmee is it crazy to follow your heart? Whether you believe me or not I’d made the decision to become a vampire well before you were born, well before we thought it was possible you could even exist. Don’t you see? You just made becoming immortal that much more… appealing, it wasn’t because I didn’t have a choice, I had a choice and I chose you. I wanted this more than you could ever imagine” she was holding my hand her skin ice cold molding into mine.
Looking into her golden brown eyes I marveled at how beautiful my mother is and I am proud that I have her dark brown eyes and rosy red cheeks from when she was human, which are probably the only physical feature, my face shares with hers. My mother is especially beautiful when she and my father go out together. Alice made it sort of an unspoken rule that my mother had to at least dress “properly” on date nights, if it were up to my mother an old t-shirt and some dark blue jeans would suffice.
I sighed. “Sure sure” I said skeptically
She shook her head obviously frustrated with me and this conversation. “What am I going to do with you?” she said as she stood up and kissed me on the forehead, which sent a chill through my body her skin frigid compared to mine.
