Ruka Takeshima's Diary No.1: Self Assessment, Rhetoric & Confessions

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My name is Ruka Takeshima, I'm a 19 year old student and I live with my parents. I'm at college studying my first year of food and beverage service. I'm writing this because I have nothing else to do right now. I have barely anyone I talk to now, I had 3 people I talked to; my best friend, my partner and a close friend that lives up the road from me, and now one of those people have stopped talking to me. My partner. It seems that no matter how good a week starts off or finishes off I always end up feeling numb after a couple of days. Not a physical numbness but an emotional one. Life's never been amazing for me any longer than a couple months, I'm not saying I want to be happy all the time, I just don't want to have days, weeks, months of nothingness.

My girlfriend hasn't been talking to me for a while, it's probably my fault for becoming more and more distant, which I suppose is a very fair assessment of things. I've been more and more distant because the numbness is taking over and I just don't feel as much love towards her as I used to. I could say it's because my college and work gets in the way or it could be that I'm not really sexually attracted to her. It's not that I'm straight but it's more that she doesn't have a girls body.

I'm a homo but I'm dating a girl with a guys body and everything just feels so numb.

I'm drinking tea at the moment, some really upmarket Earl Grey that by best friend got me when he was in Scotland. It's really nice and all of it is recyclable which is always good. Yes I'm just filling in space, yes I don't know what to say, yes, yes, yes, I'm just trying to vent in this terrible, self loathing diary of mine.

Am I still gay even though I'm dating someone that I wouldn't be able to date on biological standards alone? Am I gay if I've had my girlfriend's cock inside of me so many times? And am I bad for wanting so badly to have a girls body to play with. It's been over 4 years now since I've been able to, what does that make me? Why do I not want to leave but more than anything just want a normal gay relationship with a normal gay girl? Why is life at home so shit? Why am I only happy at work or at college? Why do I feel like I'm going nowhere?

Why do I want someone to kill me when the last thing I want is to die?

I'm getting a new job soon and, according to my new boss, it's going to be a lot of hard work. Good. My current job is okay but it's in a pub that serves chips and peas with almost everything and a lot of the food is microwaved or deep fried. But this new place, wow they do souffles and tagines and they're going for awards. I can't wait, I just hope I do okay.

Okay so this diary entry has been pretty sloppy so far but hey does that really matter? This isn't some beautiful fantasy story of a gorgeous girl with a perfect life. This is the stone hard truth about being alive is just a material day and age, this is life. My life.

Do I touch myself for pleasure or just because it's stimulating and gives me something to do?

I don't know anymore, is sex even fun anymore? Because it's starting to feel like a drawn out chore that takes too long, yet I just want to feel someone whose wet and warm and making too much noise for their parents not to hear. I want to be alive, I want to be a prostitute, I want to be human.

On a more important note how would one go about becoming a prostitute? Do you just chill out at notorious bars and look for a girl who's itching to fuck? Or do I have to go on some kind of messaging, meetup service and use secret emotes and words to show that I want someone to park up outside my house, stuff some notes in my hand and then go down on me?

Finished the Earl Grey, now onto some Jasmine.

I'd like so be the submissive one in a relationship, the one who gets taken on dates, the one who gets pinned down and bitten, the one who listens and follows. But here I am, the dominant one in every relationship to date. Well Done me. I think that's why I like my best friend so much, because he's dominant, violent and just what I need in my life, it's a shame that I'm gay and he doesn't like being dominant in relationships. One day I'm sure life will come together nicely.

Am I losing my partner? Is she leaving me? Is she just taking time out? Do I care?

My average day starts with waking up, wishing I didn't, having to touch myself to get out of bed, and then I put on my dressing gown and turn on my computer. Why? because I'm addicted to wasting away. I want to muscle train and get toned and hot but I can't be bothered. I don't want to feel like I've achieved something if I don't cum before getting out of bed. I want to be normal.

Through my day I normally go through my social media, seeing if there's anything worth reading, maybe watch a couple of videos and then realized I've wasted an hour or two doing nothing. Do I get up, shower and get dressed and then go out somewhere? No. Why don't I? because I can't be bothered. Do I try to talk to somebody? No. Why? I can't be bothered. Do I deserve to be alive? No, no I fucking don't.

Sometimes I do go out, sometimes I do talk to people, sometimes I feel like my life is precious and worth something. But only sometimes. This probably sounds like some cringey teen ranting about how tough life is or to someone it might sound like a life they'd far rather have. I know I've got it easy compared to some people, hell probably most people but does that mean I'm happy? No. Does that matter? You guessed it, no.

I normally finish my day off by getting into bed and watching streams or videos and then finding it hard to sleep. then I wake up and start off from the beginning. I eat to fill in time, to give me something to do. I love food, but I wish I didn't eat so goddamn much.

We live in a world where you can lose best friends and love interests because of your political opinion even if it isn't extreme, even if you're in the other half. We live in a time when you can have your partner question dating you because you feel like having hormone therapy and then a year later they're a champion of trans rights.

We live in a time where everything is shit and meaningless.

I might just go and touch myself again, just for something to do. When my best friend left, after staying over for a couple of days do you know what the first thing I did was? I touched myself because I hadn't done so since she came over. I didn't do it for lust, I didn't do it to be stimulated, I didn't do it for pleasure. I did it because I hadn't for a while

I'm a lesbian even though I sometimes touch myself while looking at boys.

I'm glad that no one's going to see my diary, and I'm sure I'll look back at this entry in a few months or so and I'll feel like an idiot. But hey, this is how I feel in the here and now, this is who I am today. God I hope no one reads this.

I've always wondered why life is worth living; we spend the first part of our lives learning how to do something, then we spend the most part of life working hard so we can pay bills, eat, indulge in addictions, buy pointless shit that our ancestors never needed or dreamt of and then we spend the last part of our lives relaxing as we wither away and rot. During all of this we regret everything we do and wish we could go back in time and change it all, but at the end of the day if we did that we'd just end up regretting it all over again. I'm sure that when someone finds the meaning of life, discovers it in all it's glory and displays it to the world. I'm sure that's the day that human life will either end as everyone kills themselves as an easy way over the factuality of pointless painless living. Or we'll enter a stage of everlasting bliss and peace.

Here I am, ranting again, an endless story of endless rhetoric. c'est la vie, as the French might say.

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