This is Our Story

The Unknown

It's a dull Friday night and for some unknown reasons, I am sitting in the kitchen with Jewels, talking about the weather.

I wish I was anywhere but here.

I've never quite figured Jewels out and to be honest, I never truly tried.

She is just so loud and obnoxious, the complete opposite of anything I've ever been interested in, and figuring her out seems like such a waste of time that will eventually lead to nothing.

However, from time to time, she surprises me. She says soulful things that touches my heart and I wonder where she took that from.

Today is not one those days, unfortunately.

"I feel like trying out coffee because the vibe right now seems appropriate but I'm just not sure I'm ready for that, you know?" She says as she walks around the counter with the jar of processed coffee in her hands.

I debate whether or not I should answer for a moment, but she's already talking again before I can decide.

"I mean, I've tried like pumpkin spice latte before, but I'm not sure it's the same thing. I heard that drinking coffee can get addictive." She whispers the last sentence as if we were sharing a secret and I roll my eyes, while facing the opposite way so she can't see. "Anyway." She suddenly slams the jar on the counter, taking a seat next to me. "Tell me everything."

Slowly, I turn toward her, a grown appearing on my face. I secretly hope that it will scare her away but all she does is smile expectantly at me.

"What do you want to know?" I sigh, passing a hand over my face. Just being stuck in a room with her is draining, let alone making conversation about my failure of a love life.

"How are you feeling?" She asks me, suddenly looking very concerning.

I notice a change in her voice that has never occurred with me before. Her voice is more profound, deep and the look in her eyes lack the spark that is usually in her pupil. She seems so grave, it's frightening.

She's doing it again. Looking so damn wise while I know that her IQ doesn't exceed 25.

Immediately, I feel bad for thinking such horrible things about her because after all, she only means good. Everything can make me on edge on a bad day and I'm taking it off on the wrong person.

"Fine."

I know that, as oblivious as Jewels is, even she could decipher the lie in my tone, but I was trying my best not to be rude with her. This was me making an effort.

She blinks, taken aback, but her smile quickly comes back.

"You know, she's just uncertain. It happens to the best of us." She tells me in a reassuring tone.

I look at her for a while, trying to figure out where this Jewels comes from. It seemed surreal to me that she, of all people, could tell me something that actually makes me feel better. As weird as it might sound, she looks like a mother to me at the moment. Not something I would've quite expected but is very much welcomed.

"After all, how can you still be a hundred percent sure of your feelings after such a long time apart?" She continues, since I do not utter a word. "How can you blindly affirm that your heart is still the same as it was when you both parted? What if you both drastically changed and were no longer compatible? Will refusing to acknowledge your growth to preserve what was a great love story truly be worth it?"

I blink, then frown, still amazed by what's coming out of her mouth. I never really tried to have a decent conversation with Jewels and I feel like I completely missed out on an amazing human being that was right there in front of me all of this time. She could have saved me so much trouble.

She could have helped me not to drown in my own thoughts.

"I still do." I whisper, closing my eyes, rubbing the skin between my eyebrows with my thumb. "My heart hasn't changed, I love her. I know that for a fact so don't tell me that it is maybe how I might be used to that type of feeling toward her or some bullcrap about how I want to love her still. She has my heart and I never got it back."

She observes me for a couple of minutes that feel like hours. I feel so vulnerable and exposed and I wish that I could take back the words that came out of my mouth. Damn why did I need to say all of that to someone that does not matter? Those feelings should've stayed between the girl I love and myself alone. I close my eyes and pass a hand over my face.

"I know." She finally says, which makes me open my eyes to look at her. "I know you still do. I wouldn't have let you stay here if I didn't see it in your eyes."

"Then explain to me why she can't see it?" I growl, trying to suppress the frustration that is boiling inside of me.

"I'm not her Logan." She says, which, at first, make me think about how silly she has to be to think that I might confound her with Grace even for a second.

I shake my head, holding my hands together. I'm feeling so fidgety at the thought that Grace might come to the conclusion that she can and will live a life without me. I never even considered having to fight for her, as stupid as it might sound. I always thought that we were a given. That there was no questioning and that we could live on impulse.

"I know that it will hurt you to hear this but..." She shifts uncomfortably on her seat. "You're the one who deserted her. You can't just expect to pop back up with her trust unchanged."

She makes me realize how much of a naive, foolish, romantic idiot I am. She is completely right and it makes me so angry.

"Not everyone is like us Log." She sighs, her smile fading.

A thought suddenly occurs to me. A fascinating thought about how perhaps Jewels have lived through a lot more than she likes to share with others. How maybe under those million of layers of smiles, of silliness and laughs, she might be covering knowledge beyond expectation. I wonder if Grace figured that out too. Perhaps that's why she grew so fond of her and perhaps that's how I will too.

"Not everyone thinks with only their heart." She continues, looking suddenly sad, making me wish I could help her too, like she is helping me right in this moment. "Some people, like Grace, likes to think things through. Some people like steady and certainty. All you can do is drown them in maybes until they accept to plunge in the risk of the unknown."