Hollow

Chapter 21

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It was a simple brush of skin against skin, his lips against mine. It shouldn't have meant more than that- it shouldn't have felt like anymore than that. It shouldn't have set my body alight with emotions I'd never felt before. But it did.

The soft touch of Sebastian's lips was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. The brush of his fingers against my neck sent a trail of fire after them. My cheeks filled with heat and my head became foggy. It was exciting- electrifying; it was intoxicating. The more he kissed me, the more my body wanted, needed, him to keep kissing me.

When he pulled away, he took my breath with him. I kept my eyes closed and regulated my breathing. My mind began to clear and the weight of what had just happened caught up with me.

Sebastian and I had just kissed. Kissed. What did this mean?

Did friends do this with other friends? No. Angela had said that intimate things were reserved for relationships. Kissing, holding hands- they were things that I had done with Sebastian. Things that were not supposed to be shared between friends.

I opened my eyes, immediately captured by Sebastian's intense, green irises.

I'd seen movies, watched scenes like this with Angela, but I never knew that it could feel like this. I never knew something that looked so simple could set my body ablaze with emotions.

What did this mean? How was I supposed to make sense of this when I didn't even understand what I was feeling?

This wasn't supposed to happen. I was trying to hold onto the emotions I already knew, not create new ones. This was too much, I couldn't deal with all of it.

I dropped my gaze and slowly pulled away from him. I let my hands fall from his chest and I sat back against the lockers. He pulled his hands from my face and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

He blinked and his eyes widened slightly, as if he had just realized what happened.

"Shit, Bella," he said, lifting his hand back up to cup my cheek. "Was that-"

He cut off when I flinched away from the touch of his fingers on my skin. I took in a deep breath and turned away from him.

After a moment, I heard him sigh. "Bella, I'm sorry." He said, leaning towards me.

Sorry. He was apologizing. I could hear the regret in his voice. I didn't understand why that squeezed so painfully at my heart.

I was suddenly wishing for a life that I knew was impossible. I wanted to be normal, to feel normal. I wanted to know how to act in front of other people. I wanted to stop seeing the look on my parents' faces when I did something wrong. I wanted to stop hearing the condescending, judgemental tone of my grandmother's voice when she heard of my lack of progress.

I was a freak and a disappointment; robotic and emotionless. Sure, Sebastian stuck around now, but he didn't know who I really was. And once he did know, that'd be the end of any friendship between us.

And now, he'd just kissed me and I wasn't even capable of understanding why, or what I was feeling. My mind was racing, and Sebastian was at the center of all of my thoughts.

And while I was struggling with my own mind, he was unaffected, apologizing- regretting it all. Why did his regret make me feel so, so what? Sad? Yes, but it was more than that.

This feeling inside of me was something that I had never felt around Sebastian before. I felt it when  I was in therapy, when I was around Angela's friends at school, or whenever my grandmother came for visits. It was deep rooted within me, an on-going realization that I would never be good enough.