Friday the 14th

Reflection

When I was four, Dad was my world. When I was five, Darren replaced him.

I know Darren never meant as much to my mother as my father did, but Darren helped me get through losing my father. It's funny--you'd never think of your own mother's rebounds as a source of strength. But Darren supported us--all of us, by talking with Josh and taking me out for ice cream and, well, doing something else with my mother. She never loved Darren. He was simply there when she knew her marriage was failing and needed a way to forget. But I think Josh and I missed Darren a lot more than we let on when Mom kicked him out after a year, a rocky one at that.

Darren stopped living with us, but I don't think he stopped caring for us. This might make him a terrible best friend of my dad's for taking his family after he divorced my mother, but I cared about him and needed him too much for him to just pick up and walk out of our lives when my mother said so. I didn't stop seeing him, and neither did she, for that matter. He still lived in Santa Cruz. He still picked me up from school. Mom pushed herself to help out at Gran's bakery more than ever before, and Darren didn't stop visiting the bakery. I think Gran liked him too. It's harder to cut someone out of your life than you think.

When I turned six, Mom finally got another serious boyfriend. He was nice enough, though I never connected with him the way I connected with Darren. And after that came step father number two, Joseph. I know my mother never loved him and married him purely for money. He was a businessman and was distant with Josh and me and was away a lot. I'm fairly certain he only wanted to marry Mom to parade her around with his work associates, to show that he was a "kind and loving father" with a "kind and lover baker for a wife." Needless to say, he didn't last long.

Mom started drinking during the day when Joseph left. She had always drunk a tad bit more than most people did.

It's funny to look back at all the choices someone's made. You don't want to make those same mistakes. But how can you avoid that, when it's in your DNA, it's your environment, your home?

Growing up, I never wanted to grow to trust a man. I had seen firsthand what it had done to my mother. I didn't think I would ever trust anyone other than myself and my two closest friends and my own brother.

When people learn my story, my trust issues, my past, they think I'm broken. They think having little trust means I can't live a life. But just because I don't trust people as easily as I could, that doesn't make me broken. I live as normally as anyone else. There's just a little puzzle piece missing in the friendships I've made, a puzzle piece I'm glad I didn't hand over when these people leave me. Truly, I'm glad I have my two friends and brother and no one else. But now, Sylvie and Quinn didn't seem to want me anymore. And Josh was gone. And I...

I was ashamed of how stupid I had been. For walking into the dragon's lair and sealing my fate.

"She's coming around."

I squinted through my half closed eyelids, the lights blindingly bright. My head was pounding. Was this what a hangover felt like?

"Mia?"

Mom. Of course. The absolute last person I wanted to see right now.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, willing the headache to go away, or at the very least ease, just a little, so I could remember how I had gotten... here.

Where was here?

I opened my eyes again. Fortunately, I could focus my eyes now, enough to see my mother, a pretty blonde nurse, and what could only be the inside of an emergency room. What happened to me last night?

"How are you feeling?" the nurse chirped, her tone shrill and bright enough to make my brain cringe at the sound.

"Terrible," I groaned honestly. I wrapped my arms around myself and took in the room again. Monitors, curtains pulled most of the way across the windows, windows which looked out across a bustling, stark white room with doctors hurrying every which way. My heart skipped a beat. "What happened?"

The nurse glanced at Mom for a moment. My mother herself was staring at her hands, clenched so tightly in her lap her knuckles were white.

The nurse cleared her throat awkwardly. "Well, about six hours ago, you ingested peanuts."

No kidding. "And?"

She shifted her weight while fiddling with a clipboard, her eyes jumping from every object in the room and somehow missing me each time. "You went into anaphylactic shock."

Silence. Except for the beeping up of monitors, the muffled conversations past those hospital room doors, the sounds of footsteps.

"I what now?"

"Anaphylactic shock. Anaphylaxis is an acute allergic reaction to an antigen to which the body has become hypersensitive. You ingested a package of peanuts and your bodily functions began to shut down."

"But..." I paused. "But I'm not allergic to peanuts," I finished lamely.

"Hmm." The nurse looked down at her clipboard again. "Ever experienced a runny nose, itchy throat, watery eyes after consuming peanut or other tree nut products?"

"N--" I began.

"Sixth grade. Girl Scout cookies." Mom spoke softly, her voice a bit raspy.

That was when Sylvie was a Girl Scout. I remember that, when I bought a box of Tagalongs. The peanut buttery ones, covered in chocolate. We ate them during homeroom, when Mr. Tomlinson wasn't looking. I suppose I'd had a runny nose and itchy throat and watery eyes, but...

"Everyone was getting colds," I defended myself. I didn't know why I wanted to, why I wanted to prove them wrong. "Quinn went home during school because of one the day before. I probably just got one."

The nurse sighed. "Look, I don't know what to tell you, but when you're a child you can develop intolerances and allergies and reactions to different substances. Mia, you went into anaphylactic shock, and if the two gentlemen hadn't noticed something out of the ordinary and gotten you here fast, despite the fact that you were under the influence, you would have died."

She exited the room quickly.

She spoke those last few words with such certainty that it amounted to a punch in the gut.

"Mom," I whispered, staring up at those hospital lights in the ceiling. Dad was back. She needed to know.

"I'm so sorry," she replied. I turned to look at her, but she didn't meet my gaze. "I never meant for things to work out like this. I never meant for you to drink or party or date boys like I did. I know I was never there and I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," I told her, even though that tugging in my chest suggested that it was, that I did blame her, even though I knew I had done this to myself.

"Mia, love, I think it is and we both know it." She took a deep breath. "I think you do blame me for this, for everything, for all these years."

A lump stuck in my throat. "Mom," I whispered again. "Mom, I--"

"Shh, honey." Her voice caught, and at last her gaze met mine, tears glistening in her eyes, and I saw the woman that disappeared all those years ago. "I know."

I closed my eyes again to ease my pounding head, and when I opened them, vision foggy, I saw Mom's silhouette disappearing in a blur of the hospital's stark whiteness as the door to my room slid shut behind her.

a/n

Sorry I haven't updated in so long! It's been a rough month, lots of AP testing and work. Finally got something out, though, even if it was on the short side. Vote/comment! LOVE YOU IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS FAR!!!<3 xxx GG