You Have No Idea

?

         When I was a kid I was told that I had to wear dresses and do things that only girls did. I use the term "girl" loosely. I was told by everyone around me, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my teachers, everyone. I was told and to be honest I'm still being told that I have to wear makeup and date guys and that I cant have short hair or I would look gay. I couldn't wear a suit because suits were for boys. I cant do "boy" things and I have to do "girl" thing because that's what I was, a girl. Notice I say "was"  but guess what. I'm not a girl. I know I'm not a girl. I know what I do and don't like. I know I like girls and not guys. I now I hate to wear dresses and I know I hate having long hair. I've wanted to have short hair since I was a young kid. When I told my mom I wanted my hair cut short I ment really short like a boys hair but she always cut it her kind of short which was right bellow the ear. About a year ago, she finally let me cut it the length I've always wanted since I was a kid like I said. I got a pixie to make her happy that it was still a "girl" haircut, but behind her back I would pull it up and back and style it like a boys hair. Once she say this she freaked out. She already hated me for wanting to have this short of hair but once she saw how I styled it she really freaked out. My dad don't like it either. Though he was a little more " well you know what can we do." do you know what I mean? well anyway lets start at the beginning, when I first started questioning. Like I said when I was a young kid I was told to do things I didn't like to do but I was a kid so I listened to my parents because I thought they knew everything and that they were never wrong. but when I was a kid I always liked to play cars and I always like to play in the mud you know the not so girly thing that some young girls do. a tomboy if you will. I have always been a tomboy. I never liked the dresses and I never liked the fluff I never liked those things truthfully. I "liked" those things because that's what I was told girls did and that's what all the other girls were doing.so as you can tell I was never the perfect girl from the beginning. but my life went on and back in 6th grade I started being yelled at for not being girly enough, I know crazy right? who yells at a kid for not fitting social standard? well I was. in 6th grade I saw how buys stared looking at girls and I saw how girls stated looking at boys and I was looking at girls like the boys. I started questioning if something was wrong with me and I started wondering if I was broken, yes I went to my mom asking if I was broken, meanwhile I live in a very catholic house so you can guess why my parents weren't so happy to hear me talking about these things. I went on thinking something was wrong with me and wondering what would god do if he found out that I liked to do boy things and that I was looking at girls and not guys. I was a very religious kid which if you know me now it would be hard for you to believe. but anyway my parents thought that this whole thing was stupid and I was being way over dramatic and that I was freaking out over nothing, oh how they were wrong and oh how they just wait to see the hell raging guy their once daughter would become. don't get me wrong my parents still loved and still do love me its just a different relationship with them now that they know. but I'm getting off track so basically 6th grade was hell and I couldn't wait for summer to start that way I could get away from all the dumbasses that bullied me and so I could move on to middle school. oh was I wrong because middle school was so much worse and I could never share the full experience.