When I'm sad I can't seem to find someone to talk about my troubles. I've met many people through an app called graal and a social media called Facebook. People once told me to find what is making me sad then work towards it to fix what the problem is. I don't think people are really my friends. No one seems to be there when I want them to be. Either you be virtual or real life, no one really can solve my problems. I have to make my own decisions and solve my own problems. I just want to joke around and have fun. Even if things I say are sexual. Even if I am quite weird, I still have human emotions like everyone does.
I do not know what I'm really sad on. Am I sad because I don't have a lover? Or am I sad because I'm a caged bird in real life? I've never been anywhere for vacation nor have I done sports or just anything. All the days spent, im just caged like a bird. I can't fly anywhere even if I have powers to fly. Or maybe I can't fly? I'm not adult yet?
I once met a woman who was from Australia through Facebook. She did stay there to hear my troubles out but I still felt distant from her. I listen to her troubles and she listens to my troubles. We've called a few times. The only thing I liked was the Cantonese part :) otherwise.. I can't take the Australian accent. I do not know if I should continue to talk to her or not. She's much older than me and sometimes I am afraid of her. Her zodiac sign is not friendly with my zodiac sign. Even though we've talked for months, she never told me her age. I regret for being silly so often. Maybe that is why people dislike me so much. Maybe too annoying?
I won't talk about my current friends End, Pika, Ray, Mrmagic, Kenyo or Max. (Sometimes I don't feel like they're my friends only except End and Pika.)
(I hope it doesn't offend Mrmagic, Kenyo, or Max).
Kira people. Those friends I got from another friend, pika. There's Red, there's candy, there's rie and etc. Idk if Hela counts. Idk. Idk. Do they all count as friends? See? They don't really hear your troubles out or be there when you're sad? Maybe they're not my friends. They're more of my other friend's friends.
Then there's the other graal people who used to be my friends. Maemi, Mel, etc. I forgot who used to be my friend and who really knew me. For not playing graal for a long time, I pretty much forgot all their personal information. It's so hard to get to know people through the virtual world.
Then there used to be a Noob A. and Keeluah Kami Sama who were used to be my anime friends. I don't include Levi as my friend because I don't really talk to him... now we all don't talk to each other... why should I label them as friends?
There's the clueless friends too. They wouldn't know what you're talking about until you say it straightforwardly. I can be a very straightforward person but that fear of being rejected scares me. When I say the truth, will they hate me or dislike me? That is what I was worrying about. When you don't reply my messages, is it because you are busy or you do not want to talk to me? If I trust you and told you the truth. The very sole truth you've been wanting to know, would you accept me as I am? Or am I the one taking things too serious here? I don't like to admit but I have to admit sometimes I have crushes on virtual people too. What's bad about that? I don't know if it's a real crush but I just want someone to play around with me. Just a simple fake love relationship. Just one simple one so I can just shut up. If I don't shut up, I'll dig a myself a hole. I bet I will stop coming on anything, and focus studies on school.
I am just too lonely on some days and no one realizes it. How am I enduring these loneliness everyday? I miss you all even we never met in real life. Loneliness from school always hurts me and I'm too scared to attempt to make friends.
I feel lonely at school. I feel lonely at home. When I'm on free time... i just want someone to talk to me... or maybe I'll talk to them... but they have to understand that I also have a job i do... when I do not reply it's because I'm doing orders or picking up the phone at the job. People around my age don't normally... work that much. 365 days subtract the only two holidays we close on (Thanksgiving and July Fourth). I don't know. Should I feel sad or should I feel tired ? I feel tired...but that can go away if you let me have fun doing the work. Never will happen because I'm working alone.
I don't think I can be friends with anyone so easily. In the end I feel like I'm a tool to them. My group members in school use me to do their school work. Even though I work at a job.. they make me do the power points and essays for them. Just why? Just why do I have such a horrible life? Does anyone ever understand?
When I write this, will friends talk to me? (Yes probably because of pity and because I complained.) I'm like this.. I don't deserve all the companies you all give to me. I just don't. I'm selfish and I'm greedy... I overthink quite a bit and it has been a problem when I'm alone. When I'm alone.. I tend to overthink things.
Being alone is probably my personality. I start to realize ever since I was lonely. I was too shy to hang out when I was young. I was too timid to ever speak about anything. Making people have judgements on me is the greatest fear I ever might have. I don't look pretty. I'm not skinny. I don't have perfect features. But society standards are so hard.
I make my friends priority. That's why I got addicted to playing graal. Because friends on there were so important, I went on to play with them. Because you are my friend, I reply to you asap. That's what lovers do to their lovers. But that's also what I do to my friends. I try to reply to you all asap but you don't do the same to me... i just ... I'm not important to you all ... i shouldnt put myself in a high place.. after all we never met. I shouldn't be greedy like this >.< sorry just never mind.
I fear rejections... if u... never mind... I complain too much and overthink too much. Sorry if I made you read this. You should just forget what I wrote. I wrote this to express my sadness so I can feel better.
