Hannah and Clay: Stick With Me Kid

Chapter 4

Hannah's P.O.V

Clay looked at me. He wasn't looking at me the way that you look at someone when you meet them in the street or your just having an amicable conversation. Clay was really looking at me. He was searching my face, trying to detect things from my facial expressions. Trying to figure out what to say from what my facade was signalling. Some people have this skill. People like therapists or your mom or a lot of girls can do it pretty well too. This was a skill Clay did not possess. Clay couldn't even have a waiter say "Enjoy your meal" without saying something awkward like "You too". This however, wasn't a flaw. It made him Clay, the Clay i was falling in love with more and more each day but his slight lack of skill in this area was cute and endearing in stupid scenarios like the waiter, but when you were trying to tell him why you made tapes to send to the 13 people that made you want to kill yourself, graphically explaining all the fundamental mistakes they made that lead you to attempt suicide, Clay's lack of skill made me nervous. "Uh okay, but Hannah you don't need to tell me if your not ready i mean i don't want to pressure you because i uh um yeah so are you..." "Clay" I interrupted looking down at my hands. I thought i was ready. I didnt really know myself. I did know that i wanted Clay and that i didnt want to keep secrets from him, but i was scared. I was scared that if i told him he would think i was this attention seeking chic who was going to kill herself to stir up drama or to punish  people. To tell you the truth, I didnt really know myself what i wanted to come of the tapes. I didnt know what i wanted people to do with them. I didnt even know their purpose myself so how was i going to explain this malicious petty thing i had done to the sweetest, most drama free kid i knew. I didnt know how, but i had to try. 

Clay's P.O.V

"I have to tell you Clay because, because i can't be with you if i dont tell you. I cant keep it all inside" I didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to sit or how to rest my face. I couldn't figure out where to put my hands or where to look. I didnt want to do anything that made her feel uncomfortable or nervous or like i felt uncomfortable or nervous even though i did but i could tell she was picking up on it. Girls where good at that. I did the only thing i knew how to do without totally messing up or doing something ridiculously awkward. I grabbed her hand and put my fingers through hers. "Okay. Tell me what you can Hannah." I said, squeezing her hand gently. She started with Justin and the picture. The irreparable damage it did to her reputation. I thought about the photo. I felt like a hole had been carved out of my stomach with a blunt rock. I felt so guilty. When i saw that picture i did what everybody else did. I believed the picture instead of the story behind it and i believed that Hannah would never want me like that. She told me about Jessica and Alex and how losing their friendship made her feel so alone and isolated. Why didn't i help her. Why didnt i stop her when she was on her own or talk to her for longer than 30 seconds in the hall. I kept thinking about a theme that kept coming up. Me walking away. Always walking away from her and leaving her on her own like an ass hole when i should have been kissing her and holding her and telling her that i loved her. She told me about the list and the target that ended up getting put on her ass. She told me about Bryce groping her in the store and i was so angry. I felt like mist was descending around me in a thick ever-present abundance. It wasn't even red mist. It was white hot fury. Burning inside me like a flame. I had never felt this way before, felt like i was going to explode into a tiny million pieces all at once. He touched her. He put his hands on her. She continued on through the tapes. Onto Tyler onto Courtney and Marcus and Zach. It seemed that the closer she was getting to tape 13, the harder she had to hold back tears. Like every time we passed a tape someone would turn the tap on a little in her brain and the water levels just kept rising in her eyes, in her voice. I could here it crackling like a broken old radio, the frequency too high for it to play a clear sound and t was being turned up the further she went on. 

Hannah's P.O.V

I was vomiting words. I kept over describing the stories on each tape like i was trying to prove to Clay the gravity of their actions, outweighing the gravity of me making tapes in the first place. It was hard, reliving it all. Picturing it all again, digging it back up. I was getting closer to Clay's own tape and as i was telling the stories behind the others, i kept contemplating wether or not to tell him that he was on the tapes. I didnt want to keep things from him, but i didnt want to hurt him either. I knew it would crush him. Thinking of all the things he could of done or could have stopped. I decided i wouldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him, physically and mentally. My body would never let the words come out even if my brain wanted them to. I had told Clay all the stories but i hadn't told Bryce's. I saw the pain behind his eyes when i told him Bryce had grabbed me and i was scared to see the reaction when he learned of what else he put me and Jessica through. I couldn't hold them in anymore. My tears had reached my eyelids and my head couldn't hold anymore water. The dam had to break, so it did. They fell in straight streaks down my face, like my brain had gotten so used to me crying that it had managed to train my tears into perfection. Figures. "Hannah no don't. You have been so strong and I am so sorry i didnt see all of this. Im so sorry i let you walk past me with so much on your mind and i didnt even notice. Im so sorry Hannah. I should have been there for you. You needed me and every time i just walked away" Clay was holding both my hands. This was the first thing he had said since i started explaining. I was so relieved that he hadn't reacted like i thought he would. I was so glad he didnt question my morals or my reasoning behind making stupid tapes. He just listened to the stories and he understood. He was apologising. He was so different to any experience i had ever had with a guy. He was the only guy who didnt care about himself more than me. He was just there and knowing that i had him gave me the most security i have felt in a long time.

Clay's P.O.V

I hated seeing her so hurt. So broken and fragile. I was so used to seeing her smiling at me or running up to me in the corridors to jump on me or scare me. She had so much confidence and it ha just been shattered. Completely destroyed by people i saw everyday. It killed me to see her in so much pain. Her tears were hot on her face. They were leaving red stains as they left her cheeks. "Hannah you did it. You told me." I said smiling at her and holding her face between my hands. This only made her cry more and this time it wasn't just tears. Her mouth went square and she was choking on the anguish writhing up her body. "Hannah what is it? You can tell me." I said touching her shoulder but she pulled away. She shuddered at my touch. That had never happened before. "Han did i say something?" I asked confused once again. She looked up at me with her huge blue eyes, intensified by the tears. It was hollowing. The look she gave me will stain my memories for a long time. I know why Hannah baker wanted to kill herself. Hannah's soul was broken. I didnt ask any more questions, i pulled her close to me and let the sun split through the leaves of the tree above us. Hannah moved her face to look at me. "Tape 12" She said, her eyes refilling. "Bryce Walker raped me Clay. Bryce raped me." and she fell back onto my shoulder.