To The World, I Say This...

Oh, How Little I Understand Myself

"Tension"

A young man stands a short distance from me. He's an acquaintance. I find myself suspicious. It's irrational. My head angles away from him, but my eye darts in his direction. Is he looking at me? What is he doing? Suddenly he feels way too close. He hasn't moved; he's a normal distance away.

Why are you so suspicious?
Are you afraid?
There's a tenseness. I don't want to look in his direction. I don't say anything, but I feel like I should. As if the tenseness will be relieved if I engage in conversation. But I expect him to say something.
There's no need to say anything to him. What's wrong with you?
After he leaves, walks away, there's a kind of relief. But there was nothing to be suspicious or afraid of.
What makes you so tense around men?
I haven't been abused. I haven't been through a secret trauma. I've been around men before; why is this a reoccurring feeling? Am I missing something here?
What's wrong with you?

****

"Forgetfulness"

So someone asked how my day went yesterday. It went well. I was satisfied. What did I do?

.....
You don't remember what you did YESTERDAY?
It was yesterday. Why can't I remember what I did? I mean, I remember bits and pieces, but I should be able to remember a complete sequence of events.
What don't you remember, anyway?
I don't remember basically the whole morning... Only some of the afternoon. How can I not remember the people I met, the things I bought, the food I ate?
Is there something wrong with your brain?
Why is my memory so bad? It's scary and embarrassing. Someone asks what you did one or two days ago and your mind draws a blank. The days run together and faces are without names.
And why do I remember the insignificant details? Like, the things i don't need to remember I remember!