---
1. drowning yourself in alcohol won't distract you from missing him, in fact he becomes all you can focus on.
2. smoking every night just so you can fall asleep only makes you wake up wishing he was there.
3. becoming frustrated that you can't stop thinking about him doesn't help, it only makes you miss him more.
4. waiting for 11:11, making wishes on eyelashes, and blowing dandelions won't bring him back. you don't even believe in that shit.
5. overwhelming yourself with activities will only make you wish he was there to cheer you on.
---
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some people are oceans in a raindrop.
---
i want to lose myself
in the same way
i lost my solitude
when you forced your way
into my soul.
in order for that to happen
i would have to lose you, too.
---
the night i almost killed myself
i read you lyrics
as if they were my note.
they were written to be
a happy song,
but everything has sadness
if you look hard enough.
just like everything has beauty
if you just open your eyes
wide enough to see it.
---
my bathtub
is too small for me.
the sin and regret
i am desperately trying
to wash from my skin
is bigger than both of us.
---
you are all i've ever wanted
all i could never have
part of me hopes you miss me
the rest of me knows that
it's better for you to never,
ever, ever look back
---
sometimes i shower to feel less cold.
i don't think it works.
---
i was all tease and no follow-through.
all want me, but don't depend on me.
---
i wish we spoke more
so i could tell you
that i cried in the shower again
but this time i wasn't afraid
this time it was beautiful
and slow moving
like the world was when
i was getting to know you
---
as a person who hates getting left behind, i think about leaving too much.
i always wanted to leave everyone and everything behind.
recently i have been wanting to stay.
i'm afraid that i might stay for the wrong reasons.
---
if i stare at you harder
i may be able to
engrave your portrait
into my mind
the way this pang of beauty
has manifested in my chest
---
he kissed me
and the guns went silent
more sour than sweet
more teeth than lips
more desperation than love
---
i asked if you were afraid to lose me
and you looked at me and shook your head.
i asked if you still loved me the same
and you smiled and nodded.
you kissed me as if that was supposed to convince me
i guess i always saw love in a different way
because i looked at you and was always scared of missing the way your hands felt
and that feeling never went away
some days it was stronger than others
and i tried my best to remind you that
your smile was the greatest smile i had ever seen and that it had tattooed itself in my head
because you were the greatest thing i'd ever seen
and i felt you deserved to know that everyday
because you were something i wanted every day.
---
in my head i can think of a million reasons as to why i love you, but as soon as i'm with you my breath gets taken away. my thoughts go with them, so i just say "i love you," and hope that it's enough.
---
when you asked what my dreams were, i told you i wanted to cliffdive in jamaica and i wanted to learn all of the constellations. what i didn't tell you was that i want to change people's lives. i want people to fall in love with the things that i hate about myself. i want people to find comfort in the way my voice lilts when i get too sad or too excited. i want people to see me for everything i am and behold me like i'm the most powerful thing on this earth. i want to feel huge, but i want to do it humbly. i want to feel important. i want to make other people feel important. because i know what it's like to feel like i'm nothing. and no one deserves that weight. it's a huge contradiction because i'm sitting here telling you that that's what i want, but i'll never reach it. because i'm not worthy enough to fill those shoes. because there's someone else out there who can play a little better and sing a little softer and stay on pitch a little longer. and they deserve that role in the world more than i do. but god, i want to be good enough.
---
why can't you be happy.
why can't you be content.
why can you lie to my face
when i need you the most,
"i'm here, i'm right here."
you're not here.
you were never here.
---
the words are always wrong.
i want to pour out my heart, but my soul won't let me.
my attention span
will never be long enough
to sit down and make sense
when the feelings are spilling over.
i can't make them make sense.
i just want to put them down
in a way you can understand.
all i ever wanted was for you to understand.
you're important.
you're special.
you're everything i've wanted.
i can't stand the thought
of you being anything less than what i need.
you're everything to me.
if that isn't enough,
then let's be mediocre together.
this is real.
this is us, and we are real.
we are good enough.
---
you're still all over me.
i'm covered in bruises and bite marks
that you placed onto my body
out of "love".
---
i miss your cute little hands grabbing for mine
i wonder what they're clasped around now.
---
you're the reason hurricanes are named after people.
---
"i'm sorry" is oftentimes a one-letter-shortened, clumsy way of saying "i love you."
---
the night i realized i'd fallen in love with you
it wasn't a grand declaration
or a life altering moment in time
we were sharing a blanket on the floor by the fire
and i just thought "fuck i love you"
i had to step back and think
because then i realized i'd been in love with you for a long time
i'd just never put a name to it until that moment
---
i know that he's beautiful. trust me, i know it. he's got eyes the color of the brightest fire and his smile is just the right level of crooked. he makes your skin tingle and your knees shake and the sound of your name coming from his lips makes you forget how to breath. he's charming and funny and smart and kind and he looks at you like you're the only girl in the world. trust me kid, i know he's beautiful. don't fall for it. people that beautiful are never good news, those fiery eyes will burn you and you'll get lost in that crooked smile. people that beautiful know they're beautiful. they use that beauty to wreak havoc, chaos, and pain. people that beautiful are dangerous. don't fall for it. don't fall for him.
---
sometimes it feels like i've been writing the same things over and over again. like i can't write about anything else. only you, only you, only you. and how you make me feel.
---
1. go to places you used to be happy.
destroy every positive memory and watch them fade out
leave when you're done; don't look back.
2. distance yourself from everyone who claims to love you
because who the fuck would put up with you, let alone adore you?
you've really fucked up now.
3. listen to songs that you know will destroy you on repeat
at first it will hurt like hell but eventually you'll become desensetized to your own mind
if you can avoid yourself, you can avoid life
4. don't sleep at night, keep yourself up
and think of every mistake you've made and justify hating yourself.
"my life is shit because i deserve it,"
the truth hurts so much more. become a liar.
5. watch your mother's love for you disappear
tell yourself you don't care. tell anyone who asks you don't care.
let it all hit you wave after wave
because now "i love you" is a lie and routine.
6. talk, think and breathe in metaphors
fact gave you a broken head but you'll never admit it.
sing more truth than you'll ever say because nobody listens and nobody ever will.
7. become obsessed with the concept of being special;
seperate yourself from the rest of humanity.
it's lonely on the other side.
-how to become everything you promised you'd never be
---
i see galaxies when you look at me.
i hear symphonies when you speak.
---
i lay in bed, i can't breathe.
i think maybe i should pray to someone i can't see, that i don't believe.
i feel so sick, like hell is crawling up my throat.
i am home, but i don't feel at home.
i am alone, but i don't feel alone.
---
2am on a monday and instead of sleep, my heart demands more whiskey. i am trying to erase this ghost of a feeling that wants nothing but to remember him at all times. my ears long to hear his voice but only because it would tear me apart. after all he did to me, i'm filled to the brim with guilt for not sticking by him as long as he would've let me. i'm sorry I ended up being nothing like the person i promised you i would be. you see, i'm not like the people who walk this earth only to love: the ones that love with all of their being and ask for nothing in return. i still try to find his constellations in your eyes and look for him in places, even though i do not want to look at the love that I loved so dearly, when he felt nothing. he's occupied a lot of space in my heart and there's nothing i could ever say or do to stop seeing him in every set of crystal clear eyes i come across. i hope, years from now, his name does not fill me with guilt but with bittersweet nostalgia that reminds me of a love that taught me how to move on. more importantly, i hope, years from now, you forgive me. it's 2am on a monday and instead of sleep, my heart demands to remember him, despite loving you.
---
do we ever think about the hearts we break? i still feel bits of you in my hands, i still feel warmth of you in my veins. my apologizes are wrapped into bottles of alcohol you drink in hopes to forget. maybe one day time will work in our favor. i left one last piece of my love into your arms and took one last piece of your dreams into my heart. do we know real absence until we lose the one we love? we still write promises into every step we take. we still kiss stars into every lullaby we whisper. do we ever think of each other? maybe at the same time, maybe into different fractions, maybe never, maybe too fast, maybe too late. these maybes are getting me crazy. maybe i miss you maybe i don't. maybe you love me maybe you never did. i can't think straight. the light is gone, the truth has run wild, the words are useless. the lies hurt less when we spin them around us pretending not to see, the truth hurts more when our heart is blind. when do we think when it's too early or too late? will there ever be a right time for us?
---
i hate that even after all this time, he still takes up so much space in my heart, even when it belongs to you.
---
sure, i took it off.
i didn't get rid of it.
i only put it in my pocket.
it may have been out of sight,
but i could still feel it against my skin.
---
i stayed up all night,
drifting in and out of consciousness.
all I could think about was how it was my fault.
i let you do this.
i let you ruin me.
you've ruined me.
---
すきだ
---
it's pathetic that strangers can make me feel more appreciated than you ever did.
---
you are all i've ever wanted
all i could never have
part of me hopes you miss me
the rest of me knows that
it's better for you to never,
ever, ever look back
