What I Did Do

Chapter one: Eli

2011.

I was 12 years old, life was a breeze. I never felt weary of how I looked, or how my body was shaped. I was average, I went through puberty the year before, nothing could get better then the way things were.

Even now, at age 17 I wonder, if things had stayed locked on repeat in the year 2011, would I ever reach a peak of insecurities?

I am sitting facing my mirror, examining myself. I look at my eyes, green, something I admire. My nose was a feature I was thankful for, my lips not thin, quite plump. Then I look closer, longer.

I see my pours on my checks, the rosacea taking over upon them. I try to smile in the mirror and I can't help but hate the way my eyes curve when I do, my checks already chubby don't help my case. I'm sinking down again and I know it's time to stop.

I know I'm pretty. I know the flaws I pick out are small, but they are things I don't like to be pointed out.

I don't like that when I leave the house without covering my rosacea, people always ask why my face is so red, so I conceal away, giving myself a porcelain completion I wish I were born with.

When I smile, it doesn't go un noticed that my eyes start to squint. So I don't. At least I try not to anyway. I void emotion, as if it is my biggest secret.

Tucking away all these things I see as flaws gives me confidence that I don't have. I build up egos inside myself that contrast my personality greatly. It starts to become hard as to which part I am playing.

I think I have Eli to blame for these. I should have just left him in 2011.

Eli, my first love, but could I even call him that?

Eli is 4 years older then myself. In middle school I remember laying eyes on him, and my heart dropped ten feet under. I was in 5th grade when he was in 8th. At the end of the year I realized he was going to be going into high school, he wouldn't want a middle school girl, so I waited. I started to go to church events every Wednesday to see him. I started wearing makeup, expensive clothing, all for the thrill of seeing him Wednesday nights, having my heart yearn for his arrival even when he didn't show up. Watching him was enough for me, not able to talk to him because I knew, I just knew. He wanted a high school girl.

Could that have been my first mistake? Waiting? Watching from afar?

In those 4 years I kept my ears open about him, I learned he smoked weed occasionally, to my 12 year old brain that was worse then death. I cried countless nights praying for him.

Soon enough I was in 8th grade. I started to develop curves and started showing them off even without meaning too. I started to get the compliments, of how I should be a movie star with a face like mine. I thought to myself, now I am good enough for Eli.

Eli had a best friend, Denis. I knew I had to grow closer to Eli one way or another, so I started to spark conversations with Denis, he was easy to talk to and reminded me of my brothers. I should have just talked to Eli.

Was that also where I went wrong? I should have just talked to Eli.

Denis started to get the wrong idea, I had over heard him talking to Eli about asking me out a Wednesday night. I was shattered. The heart racing, the butterflies, the countless nights over two years crying for Eli. Coming to an end, all because I wanted to get through to him from his friend.

So I stopped going to those Wednesday nights. I dyed my hair black, a contrast from my natural blonde hair. I stayed inside all summer long, hoping that Denis's feelings would wear off. Once freshman year started I felt anew. I deleted all of my school mates off of every form of social media. In my mind I was the only person that mattered. Looking back on it from an outsiders perspective I was a girl who was crying for help. A lost girl.

My freshman goal was to get Eli to notice me. I walked fast past him in hallways as if he would think I had no idea of his presence, I went to church again and played games and always was on his team. I played devil at times to make him think I wasn't all just a sweet innocent 14 year old.

And with time Eli did notice me, a bit. He called me cute, he bought me chocolates, wrote me notes. All the tiny things gave me a world of wonder. I thought that that was it. Romance. Then graduation rolled around. Eli walked across that stage at his 6"2 height, pushed his chin length long dark hair out of his face, reached for his diploma and never looked at me again. I thought that was it, I lost my chance.

Until a few weeks later he added me on Facebook, I accepted smiling to myself. Thinking in my head he went out of his way to find me on the internet and add me. I waited for a message that never came. Then he updated his profile photo to him and a girl. At that same second of me laying eyes on that picture my best friend messaged me. Her eyes landed on the photo as well at the same second I must have. She messaged me sweet nothings about how he doesn't deserve my tears.

And that was the end of Trea and Eli. Or at least the end of what was never meant to be.

Sometimes I look back on when all our peers would ask when we would start dating or when Eli would hold my hand. My stupid naive mind thought that that was all there was to romance. Sex had never occurred to me until one night I was in the car with some females that were in Eli's graduating class told some rumors of Eli's sex life.

My heart was shattered, I couldn't even blame him when we weren't even an us. My 4 year old devotion was wasted because I had never told him my feelings. Nothing tied me to that high school any longer. My mother had gotten a boyfriend who offered to transfer me as long as my brothers and I along with my mother moved in with him. Although it was only a three month long relationship I begged my mother and she gave in.

I cut my waist length hair to just under my chin, cut some straight across bangs, stripped the back dye and decided to make my hair platinum.

Although the countless stylists I went to fried my hair to shit, I needed that girl to be gone. The short length of my hair benefited me in the end because all the damage was cut off.

Eli's naive Trea was gone. Or at least I thought.