Olikase Oneshots

I'm Sorry

It all started as I saw you on the street. I was facing your back, so I couldn't see your face, but since the very first time my eyes sensed your existence you looked familiar. So familiar it teared inside of me, but not familiar enough to approach you.

I was terrified at first. I was suddenly on the streets without knowing where I came from, seeing you sitting on the ground. I could see your body shake, I could hear you crying and screaming for a name. That name also sounded familiar to me.

It would've been such a nice night. The temperature was maybe a little fresh, but warm enough to just enjoy the night life and stare at the stars in the sky. That sounds like something I'd do, but I cannot remember if that's something I already did. I was more focused on the scenario in front of me.

There were bright lights everywhere and even more came. The more lights, the more people showed up and ran around in excitement. It wasn't good though, I could clearly feel the fear coming from each one.

My eyes couldn't leave your back, I wanted to approach you and comfort you, but I wasn't moving. Who am I kidding - who would comfort a stranger anyway?

Fact is, I wasn't there for you. You probably wouldn't have recognized me anyway. You were so focused on the person lying in your arms. The more time passed the more I started to recognize my surrounding. Two cars crashed against each other, totally damaged and several other cars in bright colors stood next.

I saw a red shining car driving to you and as I wrote the letters on the coating I froze. Ambulance.

People in red-white clothing ran to you. It took them some minutes, but they lifted up the person that had rested in your arms just now. His blonde hair was covered in blood and I had a bad feeling. I didn't move. I watched you coming with those ambulance people along and driving off. There was still panic in the streets and the policemen tried to handle it. All I did was standing there, until slowly the sun rose up and the last person made their way back home.

I never left your side, I can promise you that. Every day I saw you, but you never saw me. So many times I tried to built up my courage to talk to you, but you never answered me. You didn't even look to my direction. You acted as if I was never there.

At first I was hurt why you would do such thing. I didn't say anything bad, did I? And still you never talked a single words with me like you do with other people, you didn't even put up a small gesture for me. I could see the sadness in your eyes, even after months you didn't got over that accident. That blonde must've been close to you. I wanted to help you with that. I wanted to tell you that he's in a better place now. Heaven is considered a better place, isn't it?

I tried to be calm and sensitive for a long time. I don't know how long exactly, but you started to wear coats instead of shirts outside. One day I couldn't hold back anymore. I wanted you to notice me. Only a blink of an eye and I would shut up forever. Still you never listened to my words. Tears started to fall every day. I shouted at you to finally look at me. I must've looked like an idiot, but no matter how loud I shouted or cried, you never approached me. Did that accident make you that heartless? Questions started to swirl in my head what I did wrong, but I didn't come up with a solution. Should I have tried to save that blonde? But he was all soaked in blood, there was no doubt he was dead. Would you have considered the pointless attempt to bring a dead one back to life as an achievement? I'm sorry if I couldn't fulfill that.

Slowly my body started to fill with sadness. I didn't want to leave your side, something inside of me was drawn to you, even if you rejected me with your cold distance. I remember as you was raging in your room one day. Tears were streaming down your face. There was that coworker that had reminded you of that what had happened months ago. This person had opened your wounds you have closed all by yourself, you rejected my help after all.

I didn't even bother talking to you, trying to stop you. All I did was watching you as you were walking up and down in your room and suddenly throwing a chair at your wardrobe. Something shattered and just then I realized there was hanging a mirror. My mind was blinded with only seeing you I didn't notice my surroundings anymore. As you stormed outside, I stayed at your room, you didn't bother anyway. Slowly I walked to the broken mirror to clean up the mess you made, maybe that would be a help of mine you appreciate. I wanted to pick up the shards as I suddenly saw something. The reflection was strange. I was strange.

Admittedly, I had never looked in the mirror before. Slowly shook spread in my body as I stared into my refelction. That couldn't be. No way. Never. I didn't want to believe my eyes about the way I looked and ran away. It didn't matter where, just far away. No wonder you didn't talk to me. Now it all started to make sense. All of those moths filled with confusion slowly made sense.

I'm sorry I just went away without telling you. But you didn't here me, didn't see me anyway. It took me a long time to get over that what I've seen. My memories are still not completely back again, but enough to understand what had happened at that night and what kind of consequences it had - for both of us.

I'm really sorry that I will not return back to you, but it hurts too much. I can't scream anymore, now that I know that you will definitely not listen. It just hurts too much. If I could change a thing, I would do my everything - for you. But for now I sit on a hill at the other side of town, the quiet and green area. That hill seemed familiar to me and those people having fun cheered me up a little. But still not enough to heal my wounds. Nobody would ever be able to heal them. Nobody noticed me as I asked them if I could help, so nobody will notice me as I ask them to help me. I don't want to live that way, and nevertheless I have to - for an eternity. At least I hope that one day you will sit next to me on this hill and smile, maybe even for me.

I push my blonde bangs out of sight. They're not soaked in blood anymore. The sky seems so calm, I start to wonder if that is what people talk about every day. The afterlife.  

How bad I want to burn those wings of mine.