Title in Progress

Entry #8

I want to die. 

Not in the "Oh, my favorite tv show got cancelled. I want to die now." kind of wanting to die. No, mine is much more real. 

You're probably thinking that I'm just doing this for attention but honestly, I'm doing this for help. 

I'm going to vent about my "problems" and just let me say-- I know there are people out there who have it worse than I ever will.

First, I get bullied. I'm sure a lot of other people do as well. Uhm.. I'm openly pansexual at my school and I live in a town that's not always accepting of things. There's some people who don't care about my sexuality and others who tell me to kill myself just because I will date guys and girls and everyone in between. That and I'm not as good looking as other people here and the fact that I have asthma, knee pains and such keeps me from being on a sports team and it's really stupid but the students at my high school make fun of you for having to stop every 5 minutes to catch your breath. I wear darker clothes so that automatically makes me "emo" even though under my band jacket I always wear colorful shirts. And because I was diagnosed with depression doesn't mean that I cut myself, it just means... well, what it means. I forgot if I wrote about this but I punched some guy on the bus? Yeah well, he has some high school friends and everyday I hear about them wanting to beat me up and cut at me, kick me. All that bullshit.

That's not nearly as shitty as my home life.

At "home," I'm always told that I'm doing something wrong. Be it me putting a spoon in the wrong spot or how I decide to go about cleaning the house. People always find a way to tell me how I'm doing something wrong. My mom, dad, brothers, everyone, they are not perfect people. I'm the youngest and so they feel as if they can push me around. My dad had found out that I had been with a guy and fucking pushed me to a wall and called me a faggot. My brothers don't push me around but they always insult me, calling  me something else that shouldn't bother me but does. Family isn't supposed to do this. Families are supposed to care about each other. I can't handle two more years there, dealing with them..

There's more but here isn't the place to talk about it.

I'm sure that by now you figured out that I locked myself in the bathroom at school again. Yeah.. I apologize for it taking me a month to write more. I had tests and I have more towards the middle of May. 

This is a chaotic life, it makes me want to die.

-Tobias (04-20-17)