The Life of Me

Chapter 1

Depression.
It's not a phase or a trend. It's not something you try on just to see if it looks cute on you. Depression is something you're stuck with for life. Some have it worse then others but it's always just in the back of your head. It's the thoughts you save for a rainy day. Or a sunny day. Or any day really. You can't choose when your depression shows it self. It just comes out. Like that gay kid in your class that is just a little to obvious but still refuses to admit he's gay. Everyone knows he is and where all just waiting for him to come out but he won't come out until he wants to. That's kind of how depression works. Kind of. Remind you I'm not the best with metaphors. Anyways, depression is usually genetic. It is an actual mental illness. It's like having broken bones but in your mind. And although a lot of people like to say it's not an excuse you use to seek attention, it very much is. Not an excuse, but a cry for attention. And not the type of "look at me 24/7" attention but the "I need help" attention. It's a cry for help. You do these things such as harming yourself or act out just to catch someone attention hoping they'll help you feel better. But most of the time they just assume your doing it to seek the "look at me 24/7" type of attention. And once that's confused things tend to get worse. All you needed was one person to hug you and tell you it's gonna be ok. But everyone assumed differently and so you never got help. So things got worse. The cuts got deeper and you eventually just gave up. You can't exactly pinpoint what your giving up but the best description you can come up with is "life". You're giving up on "life". So you start planning how you're going to end everything. And you have it all down to a science, but the thing is, you're scared. You're scared of not hurting yourself but the people around you. Even though you're almost 100% positive they don't care you're still scared that maybe there's just one person that does. And maybe you haven't met them yet or maybe you have. But you are so sure that if you just hold on a little longer and maybe seek a little more help that person will show their face and you know that when they do everything will be better. But they don't show their face. And you wait and wait but now you've waited so long. It doesn't seem like anyone is going to help. So you go home. You lock the door. And you kill yourself. You think you're doing the world a favor. Until your parents break down the door. And they drop to their knees in utter shock. They wonder why you never said anything. But you did. They just didn't listen. Or they didn't quite know what you were saying. The point is you tried but you couldn't get the message across. The message that you were depressed.