The Life of Me

Chapter 2

Everyone has that one ex. You know the one. Where you thought they were your everything and you were going to last forever. You were supposed to be high school sweethearts. He was your Romeo and you were his Juliet. Everyone loved your relationship, especially you. Well, most of you did. The rest of you was scared. Yea you had your doubts but that wasn't it. You were scared that this was it. You felt stuck in a way. And the thing is he wasn't exactly Prince Charming. Not unless Prince Charming was some kind of self destructive, manipulative, control freak.  Don't lie. You know what I'm talking about. We've all been with someone who has called us terrible names and made us feel like complete shit. Like we aren't worth anything and that they are the only person that will ever love us. We believe them because we have all this trust in them and we're scared to be alone. We're scared that maybe they're right. That no one else will love us. So you stay. You let this person torment you and call you names. You lose all your friends and you fall into this pit of depression and isolation. The only person you talk to is him. You can't complain about who he talks to or who he sees or you're the controlling one.  And you're scared he'll leave so you don't argue. You do anything you can to make him happy. Even if it means you're miserable. Then the days you do argue, he disappears. He tells you he wants a break and leaves you crying alone for a week. You feel alone. You feel like nothing is worth anything anymore. You give up. You wish you weren't even alive. You destroy yourself, inside and out. Then he comes back and you life is filled with rainbows and sunshine again until he breaks you down and leaves for another week. Over time the hurtful words turn into lies and affairs. You try to reach out to someone else but according to him you're trying to leave and that just can't happen. He can't handle that. If you leave he dies and he can't be the one who dies. So guess who it's going to be? Yep. It's you. It starts with him squeezing your wrists. Then he's pinning you down and shoving you. Before you know it he's throwing you around and hitting you. Then he pulls this knife out of nowhere and tells you that if you are that scared then to stab him. But you're not going to stab him, you love him. Or you think you do. You don't know. You're just scared. You're so scared. That's all you can think about and that's all you can say. But it's ok. Because tomorrow he's going to buy you flowers and a giant teddy bear that you're going to cuddle with that night. Then next week he's going to slap the shit out of you then buy you dinner at this new restaurant. Except you're just going to order a salad and a glass of water because he doesn't have money to waste on you.  Finally you meet this guy at work, and he can see the scars you have on the inside. He's able to look into your eyes and see all the pain and fear you've been living in. You start out as friends and that's all you can be. But no one can know. So you have this secret friend. He flirts with you a bit and you don't mind because it's not the same hurtful words. You could never imagine yourself with him though because if you cheated or left your boyfriend would literally kill you. But you just can't help falling in love with this secret friend. One day you spill everything to him. You admit that you're in an abusive relationship and you're scared to leave. But this secret friend, he gives you the strength and the courage to leave. He makes you feel stronger than you've ever felt. So you send your boyfriend a text saying you need to talk. Of course he assumes you want to leave. You've always denied it but now you can't. You don't know how to say it gently so you just agree. He gets mad and yells at you. He tries to call you and convince you to stay. But you refuse. You can't take the abuse anymore. Then he asks, "Is there someone else?" You don't want to add on to things so you say no. But he knows you're lying. Why else would you leave such a wonderful guy, right?  So you spend the night letting him abuse you one last time and then you block his number. Done. It's over. You're finally free. You don't know if you should cry from fear or from happiness and quite frankly you don't care. You just cry and cry. The next day you breathe and it feels so refreshing.