I'm sorry.

April 19, 2017

Yesterday you asked if you could see the list of things about you that annoy me. I said no because I didn't want you to hate me for the rest of the year and you decided to shun me. I obviously didn't want to be shunned so I sent you the list. The second I pressed send I regretted even making that stupid list, but it was too late, you were going to get the text, read it, and know my thoughts. You said you were fine. You said you weren't mad at me. You said everyone is allowed to have their own opinion, but I knew that couldn't possibly be true. Even if you thought you were fine. Even if you thought you weren't mad at me. Even if you thought I was allowed to have my own opinion, I knew. I knew deep down that I hurt you. I knew I shouldn't have sent that list. I might know that you are hurt, and you might know it too, but you will never understand how much it killed me to send that message.

               Today you walked into the gym for assembly.  You stood in line next to Julia. I could tell something was wrong. You weren't your usual smiley self, you had a frown on your face, you looked disappointed, sad, and angry. We walked back to the classroom as we normally would, I couldn't see your face because you were behind me, but I could tell that you weren't smiling. When we reached the door of the classroom, you had tears streaming down your face. Julia asked what was wrong. You snapped back and said you were fine but you weren't fooling anyone. They knew you were hurt. I knew you were hurt, and I couldn't help but feel that it was my fault. I couldn't get it out of my head that my words caused you to cry, that I was the worst friend ever, that I don't deserve to be even in the same room as you, that I had hurt you so bad that I might not get you back. I'm okay with that. You don't have to be my friend.  You don't have to be nice to me. You don't have to pretend you're not mad. You don't have to stay strong all the time. You can let your guard down. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to have feelings. You can even make a list of reasons why you hate me if you want! I'm sure it will be a lot longer than my list about you. Because I deserve it.

              Mr. Reed came in during recess today and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. That was a lie. He asked me if it had to do with school. I said no. That was a lie. He asked me if it had to do with something at home. I said no. That was the truth. Then he asked if it had to do with my classmates. I couldn't lie. I said yes. He asked me if it was because I answered your question. I didn't say yes or no. I just cried and said it was my fault. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that it was you fault for asking, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know the question you asked.  He doesn't know what my answer was. He doesn't know how guilty I feel. He asked me if I wanted him to talk to you. I said no because I didn't want you to feel worse. I just really don't want to lose you.

               I don't actually think those things. Those were all lies (except maybe the singling in, but then again, sometimes I think Julia's voice is annoying). You are probably the best friend I have ever had. I only wrote those things because I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you. I'm jealous of your grades, I'm jealous that you're just so god damn good at everything! I feel inferior to you. I feel inferior to all of you. I don't deserve your friendship. I don't even deserve to go to be in the same room as you. I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, I'm just not good enough. I was lucky enough to be your friend and I ruined it. I ruined my friendship with one of the coolest people on earth. And I don't have the power to change what I did.

You said you were fine.
You said you weren't mad.
You said we were still friends.
I said nothing was wrong.
I said the wrong thing.
I always say the wrong things.
I always do the wrong things.
I always regret it.
I will never forget it.
I will never forget you.
I will never forget what I did to you.
But you will probably forget me.
I'm not fine.
But you're not the reason why.
I'm the reason why.
You were the reason I was okay.
You were the reason I laughed.
You were the reason I tried my best.
And I ruined it.
You don't want to make me laugh.
And I have to live with that.
You don't have to feel bad.
Don't worry about me.
It's my fault, not yours.
I'm sorry.