It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Stephanie Delgado, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely displeased, Stephanie Delgado slapped a carrot, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her enemy in training, Annalisa Delgado. Stephanie Delgado had known Annalisa Delgado for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Annalisa Delgado was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... insensitive. Stephanie Delgado called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Annalisa Delgado picked up to a very nervous Stephanie Delgado. Annalisa Delgado calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks cringe before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually scandalously turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Stephanie Delgado. Why was Annalisa Delgado trying to distract Stephanie Delgado? Because she had snuck out from Stephanie Delgado's with the iPad only eleven days prior. It was a saucy little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Stephanie Delgado got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Annalisa Delgado shuddered. Relunctantly, Annalisa Delgado invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Stephanie Delgado grabbed her George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Annalisa Delgado realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Stephanie Delgado took the tricycle, she had take at least three minutes before Stephanie Delgado would get there. But if she took the Monster Truck? Then Annalisa Delgado would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Annalisa Delgado was interrupted by seven oafish monkeys that were lured by her iPad. Annalisa Delgado belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she skillfully reached for her gerbil and fearlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Monster Truck rolling up. It was Stephanie Delgado.
----o0o----
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so she knew she was running late. With a calculated leap, Stephanie Delgado was out of the Monster Truck and went explosively jaunting toward Annalisa Delgado's front door. Meanwhile inside, Annalisa Delgado was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her elephant. Annalisa Delgado was stunned but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Annalisa Delgado flamboyantly purred. With a calculated push, Stephanie Delgado opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive self-righteous ass in a pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Annalisa Delgado assured her. Stephanie Delgado took a seat uncomfortably close to where Annalisa Delgado had hidden the iPad. Annalisa Delgado sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Stephanie Delgado was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Annalisa Delgado noticed a funny-smelling look on Stephanie Delgado's face. Stephanie Delgado slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Annalisa Delgado felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Stephanie Delgado asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Stephanie Delgado's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Stephanie Delgado nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Annalisa Delgado could react, Stephanie Delgado recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Stephanie Delgado stared at Annalisa Delgado for what what must've been nine microseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Annalisa Delgado groped wildly in Stephanie Delgado's direction, clearly desperate. Stephanie Delgado grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Annalisa Delgado let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Stephanie Delgado,' she rebuked. Annalisa Delgado always had been a little oafish, so Stephanie Delgado knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Annalisa Delgado did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Annalisa Delgado looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Stephanie Delgado. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Stephanie Delgado. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Annalisa Delgado walked over to the window and looked down. Stephanie Delgado was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Stephanie Delgado was struggling to make her way through the imaginery desert behind Annalisa Delgado's place. Stephanie Delgado had severely hurt her ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral monkeys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Stephanie Delgado. Already weakened from her injury, Stephanie Delgado yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of monkeys running off with her iPad.
But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Stephanie Delgado's iPad. Feeling relieved, God smote the monkeys for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and zipped away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion Indonesian devil cats running from a enlarged pack of man-eating capybaras. Stephanie Delgado stumbled with joy when she saw this. Her iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes her favorite TV show, Showtime, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet malaria'). Stephanie Delgado was elated. And so, everyone except Annalisa Delgado and a few malaria-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.
